two years, six months and 25 days

Has the fire gone out? Audio
According to a poll (www.onepoll.com) of 5000 couples reported in the Daily Mail Reporter the “the fire” goes out of a relationship in two years, six months and 25 days.

Reported symptoms:
• Husbands give up trying to be tidy and wives no longer make an effort to look nice for their spouse
• Couples are far less likely to share the TV remote – 75% of men and women said they wouldn’t relinquish the remote (even if asked nicely)
• 83% of couples surveyed indicated it was a problem to continue celebrating their wedding anniversary by the third year
• More than half of the couples interviewed felt undervalued by their partner
• 70% of men left socks, pants and dirty washing lying around the house (79% no longer bothered putting the lavatory seat down)
• 67% of women said they no longer made the effort to dress up and look nice for their spouse – 54% no longer bothered with make-up – 61% preferred tracksuit bottoms or pj’s while at home
• 83% married couples held hands while out during the first few months of marriage but only 38% after 10 years
• During the first year of marriage partners would cuddle more than 8 times a day – down to 5 or less times after 10 years of marriage
• 60% said they hadn’t been surprised with a romantic night out since marriage
Do any of these statistics hit close to home for you?

In the Threshold Model of Relationship I describe the phase called “Habituation”. Habituation explains the apparent decline of romance and passion that many couples experience. When a relationship is heavily weighted with “habituation”, there is little passion and intimacy stalls out. The law of nature doesn’t allow static to remain static – either decline or growth is the order. The same kind of energy that allowed the relationship in the beginning is essential for sustained growth and health.

Keeping Fire in the Relationship
People are attracted to one another by a form of magic which many call romance. Romance can be defined in many ways. To be romantic, one must be attentive to their partner. “Noticing” or paying attention is really important. Understanding the nature of early bonding between parent and child is really helpful when wanting to become more romantic. In the relationship of parent and child, the parents are attentive to the needs and wants of the child without asking the child what they want or need. In the same way, noticing or paying attention allows each partner to ‘know’ without being told what the other wants or needs.

Surprise and being Surprised
Surprise is a key ingredient in romance, but not the kind of surprise that disregards the partner’s wants and needs. Buying your wife a weed trimmer when she doesn’t enjoy mowing the yard IS NOT the kind of surprise I’m talking about. The surprises that allow your partner to know that you understand their dreams and wishes are the romantic ones.

A key part of romance is being surprised! Many couples have fallen into a pattern where one partner no longer feels creative enough to do the surprising and the other needs to know everything before it happens! Essentially the space between them has become very controlled (habituated) and unfriendly for surprises. The unimaginative partner’s creativity is stifled while the fearful partner needing to know everything in advance leaves no possibility for being surprised. These patterns will need to be thoughtfully changed for the process of romantic surprise to take place.

Practical Tips
• Send a unique gift at work – very simple, homemade, doesn’t need to be perfect
• Find out from partner’s family something they have always wanted? Surprise your partner!
• Go on Dates – Dating is not just for new relationships.


Share your story of how you keep the fire burning! Suggestions are welcome and might just help someone keep their fire burning!

p.s. - Your suggestions will be compiled into a blog post for others to view.