…one day she said to me, “I don’t want you to just take care of me, but care for me….
Pat and I married 26 years ago this past March. We were both broke financially, beat up emotionally due to failed marriages and responsible for a bunch of kids. In a little less than 3 years, laboring together we were able to purchase a home, build a business and re-purchase a farm. In the process of getting out of ‘the hole’, my efforts had been focused on taking care of everyone’s physical needs. One day, with a lot of emotion, Pat said ““I don’t want you to just take care of me, but care for me…!.” Those words burned in my brain for days while I sought to understand their meaning.
Pat’s was asking for a deeper level of intimacy. Caring for her was different than taking care of her! I can really focus on taking care of things. I figure out how they work. I can fix things! I can modify things! But caring for someone is much different. For that I had been ‘not present’!
We were attached to each other, but I had failed to understand that intimacy was more than “Doing” certain things, like physical touching, sex, opening doors for her. The kind of intimacy she was asking for was more... a way of “Being.” Intimacy, coming from Latin, means “most within”. Intimate partners have their “most within” part connected. Their attachment or connection with each other has meaning, direction and purpose.
The idea that “Giving is receiving” helps describe intimacy. Intimacy is mysterious, powerful and sometimes frightening as two souls or hearts connect. The mutuality of intimacy is profound. There are no “takers” in the intimate relationship. One cannot get to know the “most within” of their partner without learning more about their own “most within” or the “being” aspect of their life. The cultural archetype of intimacy is sexual relation. This performance based archetype of intimacy is limited and limiting. If you Google “intimacy” you will find over 18M references. Most all are associated with “doing”, rather than “being.”
Couples that create quality relationship move beyond this adolescent notion of intimacy to the mystery of themselves and their partner. They bring to life those hidden and undeveloped treasures that reside deep within themselves as they encourage and nurture each other. Our journey in relationship is rarely without ups and downs. The challenges result from venturing into the grottos of our unconscious to discover our buried treasures. Like Indiana Jones enduring the feared serpents that infested the treasure chamber, we find ourselves faced with unknowns as we seek to deepen our connection.. Two individuals building a quality relationship understand that the ‘trolls’, ‘goblins’, and ‘uglies’ are a part of their personalities and they come with the package. The intimate couple acknowledges the existence of those imperfections as a challenge for growth and opportunity. They can lead to each partner having a richer life experience.
..a spiritual experience
Intimacy is a state of being. Actions that are based in intimacy bring fulfillment and purpose to a loving relationship. Intimacy is the spiritual aspect of relationship. It isn’t as concerned about the material things in a relationship as with the soul or spirit.
Action Step:
Spend some quiet time reflecting on your intimate relationship(s)
What are the joys?
What are the challenges for growth?
Journal your thoughts
Posts
Yes! I want to be cared for and CARED for! That says alot. My spouse and I have been married for 32 years and I've experienced our relationship from giggly in bed, to passionate in bed, to mad in bed to "sleeping" in bed...As we grow older the intimatcy definition changes for me. Intimatcy also for me is just sitting quietly, or driving for miles quietly or walking just hearing our footsteps crunch the leaves, holding hands. My usual struggle in intimatcy is in my head - I have to intentionally stop my daily to do list, my past and future stuff and live in the present moment. That's what I want to improve on!! Pam Fitz
ReplyDeletePam, Thanks for your comments! The "struggle in intimacy is in my head" comment is really insightful and helpful to promote intimacy in a loving relationship. It seems that women more than men have a "to do list". The impact of the "list" often creates a sense of being overwhelmed and decreases interest in intimacy. I would be interested in learning your strategies for quietening the "to do list".
ReplyDelete