Quality Relationships cultivates personal growth

by Russ Hardesty, PhD

Most of us enter a committed relationship for both known and unknown reasons. Those known or conscious reasons are most frequently associated with physical attraction and desire for a partner or companion. The unknown often presents itself in subtle ways that are disguised as challenges, misunderstandings or disappointment. When confronted with these unknown or unconscious situations our first response may be to seek to blame ourselves, our partner or both for the challenges. Consciously, we seek to understand the cause and effects of the situation. At times, this seeking takes us in a downward spiral into what I have called “stink’n think’n” and drains passion and intimacy from the relationship.

Interestingly, when the relationship began, each partner was living a life of direction. Attraction to each other often creates redirection and often a significant change of the former life pattern and focus. The demands and expectations of this new relationship begin to take on a direction never imagined and the new relationship has many surprises.

The Perfect Classmate!
Commitment to building a quality relationship will allow acceptance of each new and unexpected challenge as an invitation to both personal and relationship growth. Personal growth is essential to building and maintaining the relationship of your dream. The relationship can be your classroom for personal growth. Your partner is the ‘perfect’ classmate and teacher for the lessons that assures personal expansion and ‘unfoldment’ of your potential. Personal growth is the energy that propels the relationship to greater possibilities and realizations. Personal and relational growth is interdependent – each promoting the other. Growth causes both partners to learn more about themselves and each other. This greater awareness will manifest as a widening or expansion of awareness which is projected into every life area. As a result both individuals become increasingly engaged with each other and the world outside their relationship.


Eager to explore...
Life always moves toward expansion and greater forms of expression. Couples in a committed relationship access the curiosity and wonder of their ‘inner child’ by asking why they behave in certain ways They explore the reasons for their feelings. This quest for knowing is fueled by the pleasure and power that comes with expanding knowledge and wisdom – not seeking to fault or blame. Faulting and blaming brings atrophy and decay to the vitality of the individual and the relationship. These life draining behaviors either focus on the past in the form of guilt/guilting and shame/ shaming, or the on the future as anxiety, dread and worry. As in any adventure, setbacks and obstacles occur when least expected. The couple actively engaged in expanding their relationship will discover what didn’t work and make changes that help move them toward a deeper and fulfilling connection.


Conflict …
Two autonomous adults will inevitably discover differences that create conflict. Conflict is the time for examining one’s own values, motivation and behaviors. In relationships that seek to maintain status quo, conflict is personalized and interpreted as some kind of rejection. For this reason many couples have prided themselves for never ‘fighting’ or ‘arguing’, but never grow beyond a limiting idea of relationship. In such situations one partner may experience a sense of being less or losing while it seems as if their partner wins. Winning and losing in a growing and expanding relationship doesn’t exist. In a growing relationship conflict is greeted as an opportunity for growth for one or both. The quality relationship constantly strives toward the ‘win – win’ and knows there isn’t a ‘win – loose’. In an equal relationship, if one partner loses both lose. There isn’t a place for a ‘loser’ in a loving and equal partnership.

Action Steps:

1) In a quiet place, spend some time reflecting on some of the great challenges you have had in your present or a past relationship.

Write the description of each challenge. Describe the outcome of the choices made regarding the challenge. Identify the key lesson you gained from the challenge – even if the outcome wasn’t pleasant. How is that lesson applied in your life today?

2) Share these reflections and lessons with your partner in such a way to create value for both.

A “Here and Now” Relationship!

One reader asked, “Is the ‘here and now’ creation between two individuals …. the same as a couple being equally yoked?” (“Living Lessons” November 2008”)

The foundation or structure
I believe that both of the concepts are vital to the creation of the ultimate relationship. However they are different. The concept of “equally yoked” speaks to the structure of a relationship while “here and now” describes the process that occurs within a relationship. The structure of the relationship promotes certain processes to occur, which in turn allows outcomes to be gained for both partners. Being equally yoked within the Judeo-Christian teaching about marriage refers to having shared spiritual beliefs. I would like to expand “equally yoked” to mean “shared core values” which I believe are essential to the structure of a fulfilling partnership.

Be Authentic
Core values remain the constant while preferences, tastes, interests and even personalities may change over a period of time. Author, Melissa Darnay said, “you can change a person’s socks, you can change their hair cut, but you can’t change their core values… or yours”. Shared core values allow a couple to make the various adjustments required by life in such a way that their relationship remains vital and exciting. These core values also allow each partner to be their authentic selves. Often having shared spiritual belief is interpreted by most as ‘shared or similar beliefs about something, ideas, or ‘God’, whereas shared core values are personal commitments which each partner actively incorporates into their actions, words and thoughts. One of my core values is personal growth. This core value fosters ongoing improvement and learning. This is applicable in all areas of my life, which includes my relationships. Without the value of personal growth, my relationship will become flat, stale and mediocre. Having this core value allows for the ‘here and now’ aspect of relationship. This is the place for intimacy and passion.

Passion
Remember the passion of new love? In this special experience each partner is in a place of growth and discovery (a core value) which fires and fuels great passion (here and now) and growing intimacy (outcome or results).

It takes more than common beliefs
It is extremely important that each partner be true to their core values. When one fails to do so, they become ‘unequally yoked’. Passion and intimacy fade and affection erodes into complacency and mediocrity. The resulting process of being in ‘here and now’ fades and is replaced by another, ‘then and there’. This place focuses on what was and what might be. ‘Here and now’ is being conscious and intentional while ‘then and there’ becomes the default where we live our unconscious relationship. ‘Then and there’ is controlled by guilt, shame, dread, anxiety and fear. Passion and intimacy fail to prosper in this environment. Couples may have shared beliefs about ‘things’ but not have an active commitment to those ‘things’. They would be considered to be ‘equally yoked’, but yet unfulfilled. They have a commitment based on beliefs about something, not beliefs in something – an expression of empty love.

Consummate love is comprised of commitment, passion and growing intimacy!

Action Steps –
• What are your core values – those values which guide your actions, thoughts and words?
• How do you express each of these values in your life? Work? Relationship?