The secret to staying in love, forever!

By Russ Hardesty, PhD


“I don’t love you any more!” These words have been the cause of cold chills and wrenching gut pain for many reading this. The words often come as a complete surprise. In an instant the “unloved” becomes focused on the sick feeling in the pit of their stomach and the whirling of their mind.

Things were O.K. until they wasn't
Over the years I have counseled many individuals seeking help to cope with the pain of a relationship that was coming to an end. For many, it was the first time in their life they had sought professional help for their relationship. They had believed things were okay until it wasn’t. And then they believed that everything would work out in the long run if they loved their partner “enough”.

Did you expect love to be free?
Love may be the only thing that we expect to be free! We fall in love without any apparent effort, so why wouldn’t it continue in the same way? There is a physical law called conservation of energy that applies to relationships. This law reminds us that we don’t get something without putting forth some effort. Simply, this law means that if you put a little in, you get a little back. On the other hand if you put a lot in you get a lot in return.

Five Dimensions of commitment!
Passion and love are measures of a meaningful and fulfilled relationship. With commitment there is assurance that both love and passion will remain and grow over the years. In research conducted by social psychologists* over the years five (5) dimensions of a sustainable and prospering commitment have been identified. These dimensions include: an assurance of future rewards; personal identification with the relationship; effort; investments in the relationship; and personal responsibility. Alternatives to commitment to the relationship erode quality and fulfillment in the relationship.

• Future Rewards –
It is important to have a clear picture of what’s in the relationship for you! This is “Why” of the relationship. Too often, relationship seems to happen and expectations are based on experience from previous relationships or our family of origin. Future rewards motivate people to commit to a relationship. Fantasies or fairy tale versions of relationship are the framework for some relationships.

• Moving from “I” to “We” –
A quality commitment allows both partners to take on the additional identity of “we”. This kind of identity shift indicates the evolvement of a third entity – a team. Neither partner loses their individual identity, but each “I” has a rich and nurturing partner that promotes their growth.

• Effort –
The importance of a relationship is measured in the time and effort that each partner gives to the relationship. This effort is demonstrated in a variety of ways such as helping each other to succeed in their personal growth; listening to increase understanding; working together on a mutual concern or shared project; and most importantly – spending time together.

• Investment –
Some partners treat their relationships like they do their finances. Their withdrawals exceed their deposits. Eventually, the overdrafts decrease trust and value. Wise investors always increase their net worth through investment and saving for emergencies and dream fulfillment. When the investments are minimal in relationships, the investment becomes a “have to” commitment, which takes away the passion and intimacy of a quality relationship.

• Responsibility –
A growing relationship is marked by increased personal involvement with your partner. Making and keeping agreements generates deeper commitment. A parent understands this concept in every cell of their body, freely giving to their child during the first years to ensure a life long of involvement and concern for their well-being. “Free Choice” love is full of personal responsibility for the health and prosperity of our loved one and the relationship.

Alternatives to commitment –
Commitment is often limited because of alternatives we choose in our lives. Sometimes, just like the “Pause” or “Hold” feature of a DVD, one partner seems to put the relationship on “Hold” while they give their attention to a hobby, sport, work, religious endeavor, or another person. Unlike the electronic devices we are accustomed to manipulating, our partner’s life continues to evolve and change. When we activate the “Play” feature, it doesn’t start where we left off; nor does it have a “Rewind” button.

Action Steps:

The secret to staying in love! (Make frequent and significant deposits)

• Remind yourself each day of all the amazing things that your partner does and is! Not how they forgot to take out the trash or put their socks in the laundry

• Share with your partner the “Why” for your relationship at least once a week.

• Spend time regularly with your partner on a shared activity or interest.

*Close Relationships ed. Ann L. Weber and John H Harvey