Quality Relationships cultivates personal growth

by Russ Hardesty, PhD

Most of us enter a committed relationship for both known and unknown reasons. Those known or conscious reasons are most frequently associated with physical attraction and desire for a partner or companion. The unknown often presents itself in subtle ways that are disguised as challenges, misunderstandings or disappointment. When confronted with these unknown or unconscious situations our first response may be to seek to blame ourselves, our partner or both for the challenges. Consciously, we seek to understand the cause and effects of the situation. At times, this seeking takes us in a downward spiral into what I have called “stink’n think’n” and drains passion and intimacy from the relationship.

Interestingly, when the relationship began, each partner was living a life of direction. Attraction to each other often creates redirection and often a significant change of the former life pattern and focus. The demands and expectations of this new relationship begin to take on a direction never imagined and the new relationship has many surprises.

The Perfect Classmate!
Commitment to building a quality relationship will allow acceptance of each new and unexpected challenge as an invitation to both personal and relationship growth. Personal growth is essential to building and maintaining the relationship of your dream. The relationship can be your classroom for personal growth. Your partner is the ‘perfect’ classmate and teacher for the lessons that assures personal expansion and ‘unfoldment’ of your potential. Personal growth is the energy that propels the relationship to greater possibilities and realizations. Personal and relational growth is interdependent – each promoting the other. Growth causes both partners to learn more about themselves and each other. This greater awareness will manifest as a widening or expansion of awareness which is projected into every life area. As a result both individuals become increasingly engaged with each other and the world outside their relationship.


Eager to explore...
Life always moves toward expansion and greater forms of expression. Couples in a committed relationship access the curiosity and wonder of their ‘inner child’ by asking why they behave in certain ways They explore the reasons for their feelings. This quest for knowing is fueled by the pleasure and power that comes with expanding knowledge and wisdom – not seeking to fault or blame. Faulting and blaming brings atrophy and decay to the vitality of the individual and the relationship. These life draining behaviors either focus on the past in the form of guilt/guilting and shame/ shaming, or the on the future as anxiety, dread and worry. As in any adventure, setbacks and obstacles occur when least expected. The couple actively engaged in expanding their relationship will discover what didn’t work and make changes that help move them toward a deeper and fulfilling connection.


Conflict …
Two autonomous adults will inevitably discover differences that create conflict. Conflict is the time for examining one’s own values, motivation and behaviors. In relationships that seek to maintain status quo, conflict is personalized and interpreted as some kind of rejection. For this reason many couples have prided themselves for never ‘fighting’ or ‘arguing’, but never grow beyond a limiting idea of relationship. In such situations one partner may experience a sense of being less or losing while it seems as if their partner wins. Winning and losing in a growing and expanding relationship doesn’t exist. In a growing relationship conflict is greeted as an opportunity for growth for one or both. The quality relationship constantly strives toward the ‘win – win’ and knows there isn’t a ‘win – loose’. In an equal relationship, if one partner loses both lose. There isn’t a place for a ‘loser’ in a loving and equal partnership.

Action Steps:

1) In a quiet place, spend some time reflecting on some of the great challenges you have had in your present or a past relationship.

Write the description of each challenge. Describe the outcome of the choices made regarding the challenge. Identify the key lesson you gained from the challenge – even if the outcome wasn’t pleasant. How is that lesson applied in your life today?

2) Share these reflections and lessons with your partner in such a way to create value for both.

Keeping the fire of Passion and Love alive – Openness and Patience

by Russ Hardesty, PhD

Keeping the fire of passion and love alive! (Three part series) Growing passion and intimacy thrives in an environment of creativity and playfulness. Passion and intimacy do not arise from a lone idea or from a concept from a ‘love manual’, but from creating the environment for sustainable innovation. This magic and juicy environment of sustainable innovation allows for shared attitudes, values and beliefs that lead to meaningful actions and events.

Keeping the fire of Passion and Love alive – Openness and Patience

“Leading researchers have concluded that long-term relationships can be just as passionate and romantic as new love.”* Growing passion is the result of a relationship that is open to possibility and change, and abounds with patience. Passion is fueled by innovation which taps our creative and imaginative faculties. Artists, athletes, and performers all know the value of openness and patience. Olympians spend a life time preparing for the few moments of a race or event. How much more can we prepare ourselves for a passionate relationship that lasts a life time?

Openness and Patience sustain growing passion

We can learn from the creative efforts of partnerships such as Pixar that questioning, risk, trust, openness and patience sustain innovation. Similarly, sustainable passion is a creation of two partners bringing into existence new dimensions of relationship that neither has experienced

Openness releases creativity

Balancing openness and patience is critical. Too much openness brings about a lot of activity without desired results. Over focusing will restrict the creative spirit. Openness to serendipity allows the discovery of untapped possibilities for passion and intimacy. Openness requires that both partners can grow more comfortable with ambiguity for short periods of time to allow the ripening of their ideas and solutions. Patience allows the time for this discovery. When a couple agrees on a specific path, it is time for action and not continual revising, rethinking or adding more things.

Patience creates safety

Being patient with one’s partner has its source in “active trust”. Active trust creates a safe place, that magical and juicy environment where passion is fueled. Obsession and urgency fuel love in the beginning of a romantic relationship. If these aspects are not transformed into calmness and attachment, the romance will fade. Calmness and attachment occur as partners face challenges with patience. With patience they can work through challenges, adjusting their previous beliefs about relationship and reality.

Active patience

Active patience can be likened to persistence. Active patience allows partners to be constantly aware and actively involved in creating their desired level of passion. Active patience is essential to overcoming obstacles and practicing new and bold thoughts and behaviors. Confronting disbelief is one of the greatest challenges to partners. Active patience allows new ideas and thoughts to ‘ripen’.

It is not unusual for a thought casually shared with your partner to reappear days or weeks later. Your partner may have adopted this thought as if it was originally their thought. Active patience may be required to achieve the desired outcome rather than the ownership of the idea. Demanding or expecting compliance or change can destroy the sense of safety which allows the rich and juicy environment that nurtures deepening passion and intimacy. When a partner senses impatience, they will be less likely to put forth effort to try something new. Or they may take the quickest path to avoid or minimize their own discomfort. Active patience involves an ongoing commitment to the goal of sustained passion.

Keeping the fire of passion and love alive

Keeping the fire of passion and love alive requires innovation. Innovation keeps the relationship vibrant and energized. This energy brings fulfillment and accomplishment for each partner and for the partnership. Curiosity, along with acceptance of input, honest feedback given and received, and readiness to adapt to change are essential for sustained passion in a love relationship.

*Helen Fisher – Rutgers University and Arthur Aron – State Univerisity of New York-Stoneybrook

Action Steps

1. Make an honest evaluation of the 5 key traits for sustained passion
1. Questioning
2. Trust and Trusting
3. Risk taking
4. Openness
5. Patience
2. What action steps can you take to achieve positive movement in each of these traits?
3. Describe your relationship as you grow and gain competence with each trait.