User-friendly Relationships

How are you at navigating the programs on your computer or for that matter the internet? Navigating relationships, just as the navigation of the programs on a laptop can seem difficult for some while others seem to ‘point and click’ effortlessly. What is the difference? Understanding the language required for desired responses is critical if one is to have an effortless relationship with the laptop or their chosen partner.

It can’t read your mind
Learning to use your computer with the appropriate inputs from the keyboard and mouse can be extremely frustrating. Often we assign names, personalities and poor character traits to our desktops. We speak to this electronic device as if it were some invention from the depths of hell sent to torment our souls. Our ‘inner child’ may believe we are being punished for our stupidity and ineptness. This inner child wishes the computer could read our wants and desires as did our early caretakers. All of this could be said about our significant relationships. Some navigate relationships as easily as some who “become one” with the laptop; and others have an emotionally charged relationship marked with conflict, frustration and reluctant tolerance.


Most everyone recognizes the power of our early programming. This programming affects our person and our behavior. Family of origin, birth order, historical events, tragic events, gender, and culture all play a powerful part in making us who we are today. Each one of us has had a unique personal programming. One way of describing this programming is related to personality types. Exploring these personality types can bring clarity and understanding and set the stage for learning new and effective ways to relate to our loved one that creates a ‘user friendly’ relationship.


I just disappear…
My wife, Pat and I, are living illustrations of these differences in programming. I find myself fascinated with ‘what makes things work’ and can spend hours in learning how to work with a piece of software, while Pat wants the software to do what she needs done when she wants it done – now! During a conversation between the two of us, an idea or question may arise that I want more information about. I disappear to the library or Google to find the answer rather than continue on in the conversation. This frustrates Pat.

In the process of building our house, I delighted in the structural design and construction with little interest in color, texture, ambience while Pat would wait until a room was completed before deciding on colors and textures to create the warm and comfortable home we experience everyday. These differences are both challenging and complementing.


She’s not my type!
A mother and daughter team developed an effective system to describe and understand the type difference in people. These two women, Myers and Briggs, developed a type indicator instrument, (MBTI) based on Carl Jung’s analytic psychology. True to type, I am fascinated with this kind to ‘systematizing’. While Pat doesn’t spend time reading the Jungian theories, she is a master in applying the knowledge described by the theories. Pat is the “woman that runs with the wolves” described by Jung’s student, Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Jung was the architect while Clarissa, was the interior decorator and articulated the characteristics of powerful women. I am fascinated by music theory and Pat brings the theory into existence with her beautiful voice. I love her voice and I love to hear her singing. She brings beauty to a structure that I can describe but struggle to implement.


The SJ and NT
David Keirsey has further refined the personality types of MyersBriggs into four temperament types. Pat seems to be predominately a type described by Keirsey as SJ (Sensory and Judgement), or Gold in other type descriptions. Martha Stewart shares this type with Pat. I fall solidly into the NT (Intuitive Thinker) type or Blue, sharing this architect typology with James Madison and Thomas Jefferson. This combination presents challenges and clear strengths in our relationship. As the NT, I am an endless source of frustration for my lovely SJ bride. My thoughts and actions leap to and fro while Pat’s SJ seeks to maintain routine and order. Pat values traditional ways of doing things. She will seek to quietly read the assembly instructions as I thrash about seeking to understand the “structure” of the system.


Knowing the language helps!
User friendly relationships are empowered with knowledge of the operating system of the other. A quote from Mother Teresa, Pat’s sister SJ, “"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier”, helps me better understand Pat’s operating system. The language recognized by her system is words and phrases that answer her “how” questions. For example, “How do the details fit together?” Or “How can I plan ahead?” and my most dreaded – “How can you guarantee that?” To keep our relationship ‘user friendly’, I must be conscious that Pat’s how questions may not be compatible with my operating system, but are essential for her sense of balance and harmony. I am in control of my communication; it’s not Pat’s task or the laptop’s job to make sense out of my intentions. My inputs must be recognizable and meaningful to have a ‘user friendly’ relationship.

Action Steps!

1. Get to know your type – if you need help, email me and I’ll be glad to help – no cost! russ@russhardesty.com
2. Seek to know your partner’s type – please don’t get into being a shrink and psychologizing – again I can give some assistance
3. Mindfully listen to your partner’s comments and language – this is a great way to learn their language.
4. Seek an opportunity to read and discuss this blog with your partner, calmly!
• Explore ways with your partner to improve your communication


Please comment on ways that you have applied this awareness to your relationship. It will be a gift for others. Russ

Check out Russ's materials at Your Ultimate Relationship

The Shadow Land

Journey into the Shadow Land

Recently I had the opportunity to visit with both sisters at the same time and was amazed at the familiar dynamics. My younger sister began to tease and banter as if we were in the 1950’s. The youngest, took the place of the observer and I struggled not to do my ‘one up’ response. Our combined 90 plus years in the ‘helping professions’ didn’t change this old programming from our family of origin.

“Don’t go often and don’t stay long”

The holiday season is a traditional time for connecting with family. I clearly remember for years as I drove from Missouri to the ‘farm’ in Oklahoma and my feelings and emotions began to change – preparing for the role in my family of origin. A part of me seemed to ‘dummy down’ so that I would fit into the traditional role of my childhood. My behaviors began to mirror those of the past. The conversations topics were the same. I was ready to return as soon as the greetings were exchanged. The return trip began in silence and gradually turned into a ‘therapy session’ with Pat, which allowed some important insight and understanding. Most of my early adult life I had adopted the philosophy – “Don’t go often and don’t stay long”.

A Wonderful Opportunity!

The holiday season is a wonderful opportunity to gain understanding of those unconscious behaviors and attitudes that are challenges in your present relationship. An important phase of creating the relationship of your dream is to differentiate and define your own style of relationship. It can take several years to do this while defining and developing a relationship ‘identity’. Time spent with families of origin will often reveal the degree to which your relationship has achieved it identity. These times are opportunities to evaluate and create greater clarity of the boundaries defining the relationship with your partner.

Observation Opportunity

During this holiday season observe the traditions and roles of where you came from! What are the traditions of gifts, celebration, decorations, roles of parents, and sibling’s relationship? These can be marvelous windows into the unconscious aspects of your relationship! How many mirror patterns in your present relationship? This allows greater awareness of that which has been hidden enter the workshop of consciousness.

Creating Your Tradition!

Intimacy is deepened with tradition. Anticipation enhances passion! Your tradition can surely include the family of origin while creating a new one – an expression of your true self, your partner and the young people in your life. Creating your unique tradition gives the young people in your life permission to be free creating theirs! Consult one another as you design the patterns of your celebration. Let your celebration be just that! Celebration is another form of gratitude for that which you have, not participating in a social obligation.

Action Steps

1. Design your holiday tradition

As a couple, family or individual

Each one write 30 things that bring joy during the holiday season, then each picks their top 10. This is beginning of a great discussion – especially if the focus is on wants rather than blame or fault. Select activities and experiences that allow for a win-win outcome for everyone. It may take more than one conversation to achieve the plan that works, but magic begins to happen when the focus is on what and comes from the heart.

2. Share your Holiday Tradition – Post in the comment section – Great Idea Source for those wanting to Change or Start their own!

Happy Holidays!

Check out Russ's materials at Your Ultimate Relationship