Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams

Is Marriage Good for Your Health?

2011-03-05T10:24:00.000-06:00

A great read for those seeking to have the relationship of your dreams for the 'long haul' read

Intimacy…

2009-04-08T20:27:00.005-05:00

By Russ Hardesty, PhD

…one day she said to me, “I don’t want you to just take care of me, but care for me….

Pat and I married 26 years ago this past March. We were both broke financially, beat up emotionally due to failed marriages and responsible for a bunch of kids. In a little less than 3 years, laboring together we were able to purchase a home, build a business and re-purchase a farm. In the process of getting out of ‘the hole’, my efforts had been focused on taking care of everyone’s physical needs. One day, with a lot of emotion, Pat said ““I don’t want you to just take care of me, but care for me…!.” Those words burned in my brain for days while I sought to understand their meaning.

Pat’s was asking for a deeper level of intimacy. Caring for her was different than taking care of her! I can really focus on taking care of things. I figure out how they work. I can fix things! I can modify things! But caring for someone is much different. For that I had been ‘not present’! I knew I loved Pat. Wasn’t that enough? Love, according to Sternberg (1988) is comprised of passion, commitment and intimacy. We had passion in our relationship! We were committed to each other! Now Pat was challenging me to a deeper level of intimacy. But what is intimacy? Is it sex? Hugging and kissing? Taking a shower together? Lying close together?

Intimacy...A way of "Being"

We were attached to each other, but I had failed to understand that intimacy was more than “Doing” certain things, like physical touching, sex, opening doors for her. The kind of intimacy she was asking for was more... a way of “Being.” Intimacy, coming from Latin, means “most within”. Intimate partners have their “most within” part connected. Their attachment or connection with each other has meaning, direction and purpose.

“Giving is receiving”

The idea that “Giving is receiving” helps describe intimacy. Intimacy is mysterious, powerful and sometimes frightening as two souls or hearts connect. The mutuality of intimacy is profound. There are no “takers” in the intimate relationship. One cannot get to know the “most within” of their partner without learning more about their own “most within” or the “being” aspect of their life. The cultural archetype of intimacy is sexual relation. This performance based archetype of intimacy is limited and limiting. If you Google “intimacy” you will find over 18M references. Most all are associated with “doing”, rather than “being.”

Intimacy is more than an adolescent notion

Couples that create quality relationship move beyond this adolescent notion of intimacy to the mystery of themselves and their partner. They bring to life those hidden and undeveloped treasures that reside deep within themselves as they encourage and nurture each other. Our journey in relationship is rarely without ups and downs. The challenges result from venturing into the grottos of our unconscious to discover our buried treasures. Like Indiana Jones enduring the feared serpents that infested the treasure chamber, we find ourselves faced with unknowns as we seek to deepen our connection.. Two individuals building a quality relationship understand that the ‘trolls’, ‘goblins’, and ‘uglies’ are a part of their personalities and they come with the package. The intimate couple acknowledges the existence of those imperfections as a challenge for growth and opportunity. They can lead to each partner having a richer life experience.

..a spiritual experience

Intimacy is a state of being. Actions that are based in intimacy bring fulfillment and purpose to a loving relationship. Intimacy is the spiritual aspect of relationship. It isn’t as concerned about the material things in a relationship as with the soul or spirit. Intimacy is mysterious and paradoxical. Intimacy operates as unconsciously as a three year old running through the house in his “birthday suit”, squealing with delight; or consciously created by two intentional adults seeking to deepen their connection to each other.

Action Step:

Spend some quiet time reflecting on your intimate relationship(s)

What are the joys?

What are the challenges for growth?

Journal your thoughts

The secret to staying in love, forever!

2009-03-17T21:46:00.007-05:00

By Russ Hardesty, PhD

“I don’t love you any more!” These words have been the cause of cold chills and wrenching gut pain for many reading this. The words often come as a complete surprise. In an instant the “unloved” becomes focused on the sick feeling in the pit of their stomach and the whirling of their mind.

Things were O.K. until they wasn't
Over the years I have counseled many individuals seeking help to cope with the pain of a relationship that was coming to an end. For many, it was the first time in their life they had sought professional help for their relationship. They had believed things were okay until it wasn’t. And then they believed that everything would work out in the long run if they loved their partner “enough”.

Did you expect love to be free?
Love may be the only thing that we expect to be free! We fall in love without any apparent effort, so why wouldn’t it continue in the same way? There is a physical law called conservation of energy that applies to relationships. This law reminds us that we don’t get something without putting forth some effort. Simply, this law means that if you put a little in, you get a little back. On the other hand if you put a lot in you get a lot in return.

Five Dimensions of commitment!
Passion and love are measures of a meaningful and fulfilled relationship. With commitment there is assurance that both love and passion will remain and grow over the years. In research conducted by social psychologists* over the years five (5) dimensions of a sustainable and prospering commitment have been identified. These dimensions include: an assurance of future rewards; personal identification with the relationship; effort; investments in the relationship; and personal responsibility. Alternatives to commitment to the relationship erode quality and fulfillment in the relationship.

• Future Rewards –
It is important to have a clear picture of what’s in the relationship for you! This is “Why” of the relationship. Too often, relationship seems to happen and expectations are based on experience from previous relationships or our family of origin. Future rewards motivate people to commit to a relationship. Fantasies or fairy tale versions of relationship are the framework for some relationships.

• Moving from “I” to “We” –
A quality commitment allows both partners to take on the additional identity of “we”. This kind of identity shift indicates the evolvement of a third entity – a team. Neither partner loses their individual identity, but each “I” has a rich and nurturing partner that promotes their growth.

• Effort –
The importance of a relationship is measured in the time and effort that each partner gives to the relationship. This effort is demonstrated in a variety of ways such as helping each other to succeed in their personal growth; listening to increase understanding; working together on a mutual concern or shared project; and most importantly – spending time together.

• Investment –
Some partners treat their relationships like they do their finances. Their withdrawals exceed their deposits. Eventually, the overdrafts decrease trust and value. Wise investors always increase their net worth through investment and saving for emergencies and dream fulfillment. When the investments are minimal in relationships, the investment becomes a “have to” commitment, which takes away the passion and intimacy of a quality relationship.

• Responsibility –
A growing relationship is marked by increased personal involvement with your partner. Making and keeping agreements generates deeper commitment. A parent understands this concept in every cell of their body, freely giving to their child during the first years to ensure a life long of involvement and concern for their well-being. “Free Choice” love is full of personal responsibility for the health and prosperity of our loved one and the relationship.

Alternatives to commitment –
Commitment is often limited because of alternatives we choose in our lives. Sometimes, just like the “Pause” or “Hold” feature of a DVD, one partner seems to put the relationship on “Hold” while they give their attention to a hobby, sport, work, religious endeavor, or another person. Unlike the electronic devices we are accustomed to manipulating, our partner’s life continues to evolve and change. When we activate the “Play” feature, it doesn’t start where we left off; nor does it have a “Rewind” button.

Action Steps:

The secret to staying in love! (Make frequent and significant deposits)

• Remind yourself each day of all the amazing things that your partner does and is! Not how they forgot to take out the trash or put their socks in the laundry

• Share with your partner the “Why” for your relationship at least once a week.

• Spend time regularly with your partner on a shared activity or interest.

*Close Relationships ed. Ann L. Weber and John H Harvey

“Happy to be Stuck With You” ?

2009-03-10T21:46:00.003-05:00

A Commitment Check

by Russ Hardesty, PhD

. . Pleasure requires high and loving spirits and energy, but living in the world-being battered by it-having your heart pierced, sharpens everything. I had grown up without knowing it, and now I knew. I knew that you might believe in rapture, but you had to earn the right to feel it. You had to pay for it with grief and loss, and it was worth it. I knew what it was like to be ultimately close to your best friend on earth, to some one you had waited to know, had watched and calculated, some one well loved and intelligible to you. . . . It was relief, and it was terrifying. -Laurie Colwin, Shine On Bright & Dangerous Object

(1975)

Never Again!

My ignorance and immaturity were major downfalls in my relationship history. I concluded that I wasn’t capable of being in relationship. I had quietly avowed that I would never marry again. In August of 1982, I met beautiful, elegant Pat at a conference center at the Lake of the Ozarks. Arriving late, I was ushered to one of the small groups that had already been in session for an hour. My immediate attraction to Pat’s beauty and elegance was intensified when she had something to say when she spoke. My vow to singleness was immediately dismissed. Although we both were well into adulthood, the extent of the commitment we made later that year was yet to be revealed.

It Just Happened!

I had fallen in love in an instant; it just happened! My commitment to Pat began because I wanted her to be a part of my life. As we have journeyed together these past 27 years, there have been times that our “want to” has been “have to” or “ought to”. Commitment doesn’t just happen but is built through interactions with our partner. According to Robert Sternberg, “Loving relationships almost inevitably have their ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ and there may be times in such relationships when commitment is all or almost all that keeps the relationship going.

Ebb and Flow of Commitment

A study of married couples who have been together for over 15 years indicates that each relationship “ebbed and flowed” between “want to”, “have to” and “ought to” types of commitment. These changes, although not always comfortable, are very functional and can create resilience and strengthened commitment. Neither Pat nor I could have understood the full strength of our commitment until events and circumstances created tests of our resolve to one another. Given the challenges that life presents, the “want to” commitment often becomes “ought or have to”. Couples are challenged by a cultural belief of that a relationship has failed when the “want to” commitment fades. Huey Lewis’ song “Happy to be Stuck with You” is a great description of the ups and downs of commitment.

Growing Commitment

Interestingly, the process of committing oneself to a relationship increases the positive future of a growing commitment. The widely held belief that you must be madly in love for the relationship to work often prevents couples from remaining engaged through the challenges presented by life. Remaining committed even in the “ought or have to” state can yield tremendous rewards. I do want to caution that remaining in a relationship that is physically or emotionally abusive is an entirely different matter.

Action Steps to Strengthen and Affirm your Relationship

· Share personally written notes, letter and cards with your partner

· Sharing commitment related stories to friends and family

(I enjoy telling of my meeting Pat – my kids have heard many times)

· Spend time looking at and talking about photos of the great times in the relationship.

Tell us your story of the “Ups and Downs”

Enjoy the music video “Happy to be Stuck With You”

Fear of Commitment

2009-03-01T23:09:00.006-06:00

By Russ Hardesty, PhD

Afraid of the water
A young woman conducting interviews with friends and family asked me about my fears. I quickly responded to the written questions indicating “no” each time until one item stopped me. “Please list any other major fears” the questionnaire stated and I listed the fear of being trapped and confined without options. In a moment I had remembered the great fear that had prevented me from learning to swim until 7th grade. When I was very young, supposedly well intentioned adults and ornery boys had thrown me into deep water thinking it would help me learn to swim. The question had awakened a rush of emotion. The fear generated by those events might well have kept me from ever wanting to swim again.

Why men fear commitment
Fear of being trapped and confined without options can be described in other words…loss of freedom. Relationship commitment for some can be like loosing their freedom. Men in particular experience this fear. Loss of personal space and a perception that the partner is putting demands on them can make them feel as if they are losing more than they are gaining. Making a commitment to relationship may seem like having to ask permission to do those things they have always done without asking before. My fear of ‘drowning’ had some basis because of a scary encounter. Because of that encounter I had decided I would only go into water that waist deep. That way when swimming with others I could defend myself because I still had my footing. I had lost a sense of personal safety and was willing to commit myself only to what I could control and was “safe” for me.

Our level of commitment in a relationship can be limited by a need to control everything and everybody. This need to control may well be based on early life experience. For some men it can be associated with the adult women in their family of origin, childhood experiences or a failed “first love”. Adult men who have experienced divorce and loss of custody of their children can exercise only cautious commitment in subsequent relationships, just like staying safe in shallow water.

Why women fear relationship commitment* (ladies see footnote)
Women generally are more comfortable in making and keeping commitments with their children than with a partner. They are likely to not fear commitment associated with being a mother as much as commitment with a life partner. One of the greatest fears for women is being “used” in relationships and feeling cheapened by an unfaithful partner. Another fear a woman may have is that her devotion to a relationship is not valued. When a woman’s life is uprooted it is difficult to begin anew with thoughts of another relationship. She may wish to avoid the painful emotions leftover from a failed relationship. She may never even venture into the wading pool again.

Married couples fear commitment
Fear of commitment isn’t limited to the unmarried. Being married doesn’t necessarily mean being fully committed. For some it is just a limited contract with expectations that are unspoken and even unconscious. An atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty, and censored communication often emerges in an effort to conform to the cultural expectations of being ‘fully committed’. Unfortunately, individuals in such a situation reach a plateau or comfort zone and the eventual demise of intimacy and passion.

Clinging to the rope
As a 12 year old boy I stood in the shallow end of the pool or clung to the rope dividing the deep and shallow ends. I longed to join in the play and adventure of the other kids and felt a great weight of loneliness. Loneliness is a consequence of limited commitment and the absence of meaningful connection to others. Whether a person is single or in a relationship loneliness can be a result of their fear of commitment. A relationship with limited commitment can be one of the loneliest places!

Understanding and how to deal with fear
The fear of commitment comes from different origins. It may begin in our childhood and often becomes a pattern that crosses every area of our lives, not just relationships. This strong emotion often takes up residence and affects our decision making. The fear of failing, of being rejected or of losing is often found at the seat of the disabling emotion. Emotional patterns that emerge from these deep seated fears permeate our responses to others and our feeling about ourselves.

Often we project our fears onto others rather than accepting ownership and responsibility for repairing the dysfunctional yet important survival response. When our fears are based on a life experience we can change our response. Simply, we can change the story we have been telling ourselves about that experience that keeps the fear alive. The first step is telling the truth. For example, not everyone will use you; not everyone wants your money; not everyone cheats; not everyone leaves. Another step is to change your point of view from seeing things as ‘right or wrong’ to ‘what works’ and ‘what doesn’t work.’ True change begins with self-honesty.

F.E.A.R - False Evidence Appearing Real
Even while clinging to the rope dividing the shallow from the deep end, my intellect told me that I could swim. However, my emotional self chose to feel the fear and remain paralyzed. Those times when I had been thrown into deep water against my will were the source or “false evidence” of my fear. However, I had failed to recognize the most important part, the most emotional part of my fear – “against my will”. When I chose to learn to swim it was in the presence and with the coaching of the men I trusted. The false evidence was couched in a compulsive belief that had before left me a victim. When I changed my thoughts from the compulsive F.E.A.R. to one of choice, I regained my personal power to swim. I was committed.

* Ladies, I have written this post from a male view point. Let me hear from you. What do think are the unique fears of commitment that women experience? Post a comment or email your contribution.

Still in the Wading Pool?

2009-02-21T17:28:00.009-06:00

Russ Hardesty, PhD

The summer of ‘53

A hallmark event of my life occurred in the summer 1953 on a Kiamichi Mountain stream in southeast Oklahoma. Along with seven older boys and two WWII Army vets I lived among the ticks, mosquitoes and muggy heat for two weeks. The men taught us how to survive without modern conveniences – we ate dried or salted meats, dug holes in the gravel bed for drinking water, learned about latrines and I learned to swim! Earlier in my life the sink or swim approach had instilled in me a fear of water deeper than my waist. With the gentle encouragement and support of the vets, I learned to swim without fear. Before long I was jumping from a high bluff into water several times over my head. I felt the rush of achievement and gained confidence with my peers that I had long desired. I had learned to trust myself in water, and depth was no longer a barrier but an invitation. One of the great lessons the vets taught me was not to swim alone. I was to always have a buddy – one that can swim!

The Wading Pool

A fear of water can be related to the fear of commitment in relationships. Two people can spend their lives together and never leave the wading pool. They enjoy the water, but never experience trusting themselves to get into the deep. If one partner ventures into deeper water, the other may begin to move toward solid footing, projecting their fear of being in over their head. For some couples, commitment means not leaving each other, and is triggered when one of the partners launches into unfamiliar territory. This is commitment to sameness and familiarity rather than a commitment to a growing relationship and can actually be a prelude to disintegration of the relationship.

Living in “Fantasy Land”

If you only go into the wading pool, you eventually pretend you are swimming. You can put on the water wings, swim goggles, and flippers and pretend to engage sea monsters, sharks and all other sort of dangers. Those fearing commitment are fantasy-dependent. The partner fearful of commitment may engage their active imagination to avoid the reality of their own emotional insecurity. But they will discover that their fantasies cannot fill the void they are experiencing. This void cannot be filled by their partner, by possessions or activities. As a result of ‘unfilled expectations’, erratic behaviors and self-discounting occur. The active form of fear of commitment, according to writers Carter and Sokol, may be expressed by avoiding closeness. The passive form of this fear manifests itself as ‘longsuffering devotion’ accompanied by fantasy reconciliation with their partner.

Deep Water

Learning to swim opens a world of possibilities – opportunities to explore, play water sports (water polo), know the thrill of diving from the high board, and even gaining the skill to save someone from drowning. This latter skill made all the difference for two teenagers caught in the current of the Columbia River in 1967. That is when the lessons I had learned 14 years earlier were employed. I was reminded that day that trusting self is critical when swimming in the deep end.

Building Commitment in the relationship

The couple seeking to strengthen commitment can do so by focusing on the aspects of a maturing commitment - solidarity, flexibility, and mutuality.

Solidarity – Both partners agree that the preservation of the relationship is top priority – they establish a preservation agreement. Each learns to swim alone so that they can have energy and skill to contribute in building the relationship.

Flexibility – Swim with a buddy! Be prepared to take action! Change is inevitable in every area of life. Accepting and managing these changes strengthens the preservation agreement. Old ideas and assumptions may be exchanged for new and often contradictory ideas. This is the opportunity for a couple to experience co-creativity and the resulting connection.

Mutuality – Never swim away from your buddy. Always check to see if they need something. Honoring each other’s needs is essential to growing commitment. Each exchange, giving and receiving, is as if it were the last and only opportunity to meet that need or want. If your buddy gets in trouble, you have one opportunity to help out! Maturing relationship happens with equal partners.

Committed partners trust themselves to go into the deep end of relationship. And they trust that their partner has the strength to go through the ‘deep waters’ that life presents. At times, when one is tired or weakened they trust their partner to be available with their strength, skills and desire. Commitment doesn’t need to be frightening if you first learn to swim alone and then with a buddy.

The Story of a Marriage ... A Love Poem

2009-02-18T09:01:00.002-06:00

The Story of A Marriage a love poem, by my friend Jerry, tells of a quality relationship - a story of two fulfilled lives.

"She stood there smiling,
pincurls showing under her patterned scarf,
the belt of her camel's hair coat
tied loosely in the current style,
grey plaid wool slacks,
brown brouges with split tongues,
her sparkling eyes lighting the hallway
outside Mr. Arnolds freshman English class..."

The Story of a Marriage ... A Love Poem
Gerald T. Perkoff

Before we knew it a dozen years had gone by,
the spring of youth was going from our step,
especially when we had to carry everything upstairs from
a garage buried
against a hillside.
So we moved to a condominium with everything
Marion needed
on one floor,
room for art,
and room for my Steinway,
we had loved it through all the years,
now it had a place of its own to be seen and heard,
a home where friends came,
to eat and drink and talk in a setting some
described as a museum,
using that word in its best context,
it was the first house we had ever thought of as more
than a collection of
bricks and boards,
it had a screened porch that promptly captivated Marion,
who calls it the best room in the house.
It is the place in which we began to plan for "old age."
For many old age is loss,
no more cool mountain streams,
no more star-gazing from beds of pine needles,
no more blazing passion,
yet for us it became the quiet contemplation of art and nature,
soft night sounds that illuminate the skies with gentleness,
the confidence that love can heal,
the certainty a hand will be there to help the creaky
rise from a chair,
the melding of two into more than one and less than two.
Yes, it is a time of diminished capacities,
yet love fills the crevasses of age and brings comfort to
lives that have become
this long poem
without a final line,
the continuing story of a marriage now sixty years long . . .

You can order "The Story of a Marriage..A Love poem

Closeness – One measure of a Quality Relationship

2009-02-13T22:37:00.004-06:00

Russ Hardesty, PhD

What are some clues that your relationship is less than you want it to be?
This was a question I read recently on one of many relationship websites. Some of the responses were:

"I no longer want him/her around"
"Decline in sexual attraction"
"Noticeable change in the pattern of sexual intimacy"
"One on one time diminishes"
"No longer spending time together alone"
"Not remembering the last time your partner said 'I love you!'"

Closeness is an Aspect of Intimacy
Three components of love, according to Robert Sternberg, are commitment, passion and intimacy. Closeness is definitely an aspect of intimacy, and a maturing relationship will have increased closeness between partners. Closeness is revealed in times of stress. When a couple is challenged with stress that life presents, the extent of the closeness of a couple becomes very clear. The changing economic enviornment we are experiencing has challenged the closeness in many relationships. Some relationships have grown closer while others have become more distant.

Arne Floh, a professor in Vienna, Austria, describes closeness as a measure of a successful relationship. He states that the idea or concept of closeness can be experienced in several ways:

frequent contact
impact when in contact
diverse kinds of activites
length or duration of contact
emotional content

Closeness requires frequent contact with your partner.
A couple who had sought out assistance in improving their relationship reported that their relationship was much better since beginning counseling. When asked to identify their evidence of improvement they both told of the increased number of phone calls to each other during the day, more text messages and love notes they had been leaving for each other. Contact doesn’t always mean face to face. During the courtship phase of relationship, frequency of contact is essential for the relationship to progress to commitment.

Something meaningful happens.
Closeness builds when two people come together and value is created for both. Value is created when both have a need met. Sometimes this value is as simple as being heard or being able to express thoughts. Again, in the initial phase of relationship something meaningful happens with each encounter; otherwise the relationship would not continue.

Variety is essential to closeness.
One of the enemies of closeness is habituation. the same ol’ same ol’ is the marker of comfort zone living and the mask of relational demise. To build closeness a couple can experience discovery and wonder together. Growing and expanding thoughts, skills and relationship tools together tap into the creativity and imagination of people. When two individuals work together toward a common goal, closeness occurs. Beginning a new hobby or interest together is a great way to build closeness. Other ways might include sharing a book together, or attending a personal growth workshop together.

Uninterrupted and unstructured time together
Some of the most satisfying and fulfilling times I have spent with my partner were those in which there was no agenda. Just being in the presence of each other without external restraints or demands allow a couple to be in a safe and secure place and to be vulnerable with each other.

Heart to Heart
Many relationships are task-driven. Earning a living, raising children; caring for parents, social obligations and even religious activities can take the place of personal relationship. Closeness builds when there is an emotional connecting. It is possible to have a closeness that comes from working side by side, but closeness is enhanced and deepened when emotions of the heart are shared and demonstrated with each other. A major complaint I have heard in counseling sessions over the years is, „he/she doesn’t share their emotions with me! I just want to know how he/she feels!“ Closeness requires sharing our whole being – our physical presence, our thoughts and our emotions and feelings.

Actions Steps:
1. Rate your participation in each of these areas of closeness.

Frequent contact
Meaningful Time together
Variety of activities
Uninterrupted and Unstructured time
Heart to Heart

2. Describe two things you can do to improve or create more closeness in your relationship in the next week.

A Key Value for a Rich and Vibrant Relationship – Personal Responsibility

2009-02-07T08:36:00.006-06:00

by Russ Hardesty, PhD

Do you live with the belief that if you love enough or your partner loves enough you will be happy? This sentiment is expressed in many of songs of the day like Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through it all

These lyrics suggest that it is only because of someone else that truth, joy, rightness, dreams and love exist. This belief is the substance of fairy tales, novels and movies. However it is also the formula for empty and failed relationships. A rich and vibrant relationship is built by two partners choosing to take responsibility for their personal happiness. There is an agreement, spoken or unspoken, for what each partner is responsible.

Responsibility for one’s inner life cannot be given to another
In the song, “Because You Loved Me” the responsibility for joy, dreams, peace and love were placed on the lover. That’s a heavy and impossible burden. When one assumes that their partner is responsible for their happiness, relationship success becomes dependent on one partner’s strength and the other’s weaknesses. Equal partnership is not a possibility since it requires that each take responsibility for their inner life.

Often partners engage in a series of self-defeating games
such as “If it weren’t for you….” Or “If you hadn’t…” which are symptoms of a partner not being responsible for their own inner life. These games have elements of blame, faulting and discounting. Evidence of a man or woman being responsible for their inner life is an understanding and being accountable for their response to their partner’s actions or behaviors. The feelings associated with those actions that are displeasing are completely under your control. Likewise, your partner’s feelings toward you are under their control. This level of personal responsibility makes for freedom from guilt and blame. Because of this freedom a rich and vibrant relationship is possible.

When unhappiness occurs in a relationship, it is important to seek out the core beliefs that create this unhappiness. Your unhappiness, just as your joy is your responsibility.

Action Steps:

1) Identify those experiences in your relationship in which you felt (or thought) unhappy or disappointed. Write them down.
2) Reflect on each experience and with intellectual and spiritual honesty determine your part in each situation.
3) What thoughts and actions can you change?
4) Describe how each change can impact your relationship. (Actionable steps)

Quality Relationships Welcome Change

2009-02-04T20:02:00.004-06:00

by Russ Hardesty, PhD

A relationship that accepts change is a vital indicator of growth and maturity. The nature of life and of living systems is expansion. Change wrought by healthy growth that is balanced with a soulful honoring of created memories and rituals gives enduring substance and meaning to relationships.

Failure to Grow
Failure or reluctance to grow personally is the leading cause for relationship failure. If one partner grows and expands their horizons and the other insists on keeping things the same, the space within the relationship becomes filled with tension and resentment. The relationship becomes toxic for the partner committed to growth and expansion. This partner begins to create connections with others as a part of this growth. These new people can be experienced as intruders by the reluctant partner. The reluctant partner begins to create a shrinking world that may eventually have only enough room for one.

“Standing dead”
Clinging to status quo within a relationship is characteristic of the one who desires habituation as a life style. Although each healthy relationship requires some predictability, habituation without attraction and appreciation is the formula for a deteriorating relationship in which one or both of the parties are ‘standing dead’. ‘Standing dead’ could be described as hoping to reach death as safely as possible! The qualities that initially attracted the partners are now despised. In the habituation life style a partner notices only those qualities that are ‘negative’. The qualities that were once attractive seem to be no longer present. Statements and thoughts like, “you used to…”; “you don’t ….anymore”; or “why don’t you…?” become the focus in the relationship. An individual’s growth only threatens the relationship when their partner clings to the status quo.

Change in your partner calls out
Those changes that challenge the way things have been are invitations for growth. Rarely do two individuals mature and change at the same rate. This difference is such a challenge to those who are reluctant to change their thinking and behavior. This change is a sign “that not only are the lights on, there is someone alive in there too!” You are in a relationship with someone that is vibrant, alive and full of passion. Their growth is your call to get with it! Longing for the “good ole’ days” will only widen the gap between partners.

…to the last moment
A most often repeated statement by my father-in-law, who is in his 81st year, is this …“I plan on retiring three days before my burial!” This attitude sums up the nature of a passionate and fulfilled life. Change is constant. Each of us has the option of resisting and denying the changes that occur or embracing, welcoming and authoring much of the change that we experience in our relationship. You can expect change right up to the moment of your last breath. Change is the opportunity for each partner in a relationship to access and more fully express their devotion and love.

Actions Steps:
1) List those changes that have been opportunities for personal and relational maturity.
2) With each change, what did you discover in yourself? In your partner? In your relationship?
3) Share these with your partner in a quiet time – a soulful time of remembrance and celebration.

“Let’s Rough House!” – An Enduring Passion and Growing Intimacy

2009-01-31T15:27:00.002-06:00

by Russ Hardesty, PhD

“Let’s Rough House!” was the cry soon after I arrived for a brief visit. My 2½ year old grandson runs through his house, our house, any house and invites “let’s rough house!” An hour later his dad, an uncle and grandpa are exhausted and it seems as if the 2½ year old is just warmed up! The energy expended by this young dynamo continues to build. There is a difference between work and play. Great energy is expended in play yet it seems to create more energy! On the other hand the thought of work makes many tired before putting forth the required energy. Relationships take energy. It is a choice each of us makes, to expend this energy in the form of play or work. The energy can be invigorating or draining – it’s up to each one of us to choose!

Risks are a part of play
While engaging in ‘rough housing’ it became apparent that the 2½ year old took many risks – as evidenced by the numerous admonishments and grimaces from mom and grandma. These risks were essential for his understanding of limits and possibilities imposed by gravity; the consequences of inertia (running into unforgiving solid walls) and things broken forever (flower vase). All in the name of play, life lessons are learned and integrated into experience for empowerment for even greater feats of daring and intrigue.

It would have been safer, quieter, calmer and more peaceful had the play not occurred. But in the safer and quieter space passion and excitement would only exist as thoughts of ‘what could have been’. With the magic of play my grandson gained knowledge by trying on new behaviors that succeeded and laughed at those that didn’t work. How often do couples approach their relationship as ‘work’ rather than play? How many people do you know that are laboring at their relationship? It is work when each attempt considered to change the status quo is weighted on the balance beam of ‘fear of failure’. Failed attempts are personalized. Faults are found and blame is dealt. Joy is lost.

Is your relationship work or play?
Imagine playing rather than working at relationship. What would it be like to practice a new behavior without the fear of being criticized, judged or ‘cut off’? When my grandson plays, he plays all out. His success isn’t measured by the amount or speed of his effort, but in the creation of something that didn’t exist until he imagined the possibility.

For many couples, relationship is like a ‘snake hunt’ every day. They live believing there is something dreadful likely to happen if they aren’t vigilant, watchful, cautious, wary or careful. The 2 ½ year old doesn’t consider himself to be a finished project. He is excited about what is to be in his future. He explores risks and tries new behavior as play. Each day is filled with anticipation, wonder and expectation born in his imagination.

Action Steps:
1) Identify those times that you and your partner have ‘played’ together– with freedom from judgment or criticism.
2) Write a brief description and note how you felt towards your partner.
3) Imagine, then share with your partner a ‘play’ fantasy.

Quality Relationships cultivates personal growth

2009-01-28T15:24:00.005-06:00

by Russ Hardesty, PhD

Most of us enter a committed relationship for both known and unknown reasons. Those known or conscious reasons are most frequently associated with physical attraction and desire for a partner or companion. The unknown often presents itself in subtle ways that are disguised as challenges, misunderstandings or disappointment. When confronted with these unknown or unconscious situations our first response may be to seek to blame ourselves, our partner or both for the challenges. Consciously, we seek to understand the cause and effects of the situation. At times, this seeking takes us in a downward spiral into what I have called “stink’n think’n” and drains passion and intimacy from the relationship.

Interestingly, when the relationship began, each partner was living a life of direction. Attraction to each other often creates redirection and often a significant change of the former life pattern and focus. The demands and expectations of this new relationship begin to take on a direction never imagined and the new relationship has many surprises.

The Perfect Classmate!
Commitment to building a quality relationship will allow acceptance of each new and unexpected challenge as an invitation to both personal and relationship growth. Personal growth is essential to building and maintaining the relationship of your dream. The relationship can be your classroom for personal growth. Your partner is the ‘perfect’ classmate and teacher for the lessons that assures personal expansion and ‘unfoldment’ of your potential. Personal growth is the energy that propels the relationship to greater possibilities and realizations. Personal and relational growth is interdependent – each promoting the other. Growth causes both partners to learn more about themselves and each other. This greater awareness will manifest as a widening or expansion of awareness which is projected into every life area. As a result both individuals become increasingly engaged with each other and the world outside their relationship.

Eager to explore...
Life always moves toward expansion and greater forms of expression. Couples in a committed relationship access the curiosity and wonder of their ‘inner child’ by asking why they behave in certain ways They explore the reasons for their feelings. This quest for knowing is fueled by the pleasure and power that comes with expanding knowledge and wisdom – not seeking to fault or blame. Faulting and blaming brings atrophy and decay to the vitality of the individual and the relationship. These life draining behaviors either focus on the past in the form of guilt/guilting and shame/ shaming, or the on the future as anxiety, dread and worry. As in any adventure, setbacks and obstacles occur when least expected. The couple actively engaged in expanding their relationship will discover what didn’t work and make changes that help move them toward a deeper and fulfilling connection.

Conflict …
Two autonomous adults will inevitably discover differences that create conflict. Conflict is the time for examining one’s own values, motivation and behaviors. In relationships that seek to maintain status quo, conflict is personalized and interpreted as some kind of rejection. For this reason many couples have prided themselves for never ‘fighting’ or ‘arguing’, but never grow beyond a limiting idea of relationship. In such situations one partner may experience a sense of being less or losing while it seems as if their partner wins. Winning and losing in a growing and expanding relationship doesn’t exist. In a growing relationship conflict is greeted as an opportunity for growth for one or both. The quality relationship constantly strives toward the ‘win – win’ and knows there isn’t a ‘win – loose’. In an equal relationship, if one partner loses both lose. There isn’t a place for a ‘loser’ in a loving and equal partnership.

Action Steps:

1) In a quiet place, spend some time reflecting on some of the great challenges you have had in your present or a past relationship.

Write the description of each challenge. Describe the outcome of the choices made regarding the challenge. Identify the key lesson you gained from the challenge – even if the outcome wasn’t pleasant. How is that lesson applied in your life today?

2) Share these reflections and lessons with your partner in such a way to create value for both.

Keeping the fire of Passion and Love alive – Openness and Patience

2009-01-11T19:44:00.005-06:00

by Russ Hardesty, PhD

Keeping the fire of passion and love alive! (Three part series) Growing passion and intimacy thrives in an environment of creativity and playfulness. Passion and intimacy do not arise from a lone idea or from a concept from a ‘love manual’, but from creating the environment for sustainable innovation. This magic and juicy environment of sustainable innovation allows for shared attitudes, values and beliefs that lead to meaningful actions and events.

Keeping the fire of Passion and Love alive – Openness and Patience

“Leading researchers have concluded that long-term relationships can be just as passionate and romantic as new love.”* Growing passion is the result of a relationship that is open to possibility and change, and abounds with patience. Passion is fueled by innovation which taps our creative and imaginative faculties. Artists, athletes, and performers all know the value of openness and patience. Olympians spend a life time preparing for the few moments of a race or event. How much more can we prepare ourselves for a passionate relationship that lasts a life time?

Openness and Patience sustain growing passion

We can learn from the creative efforts of partnerships such as Pixar that questioning, risk, trust, openness and patience sustain innovation. Similarly, sustainable passion is a creation of two partners bringing into existence new dimensions of relationship that neither has experienced

Openness releases creativity

Balancing openness and patience is critical. Too much openness brings about a lot of activity without desired results. Over focusing will restrict the creative spirit. Openness to serendipity allows the discovery of untapped possibilities for passion and intimacy. Openness requires that both partners can grow more comfortable with ambiguity for short periods of time to allow the ripening of their ideas and solutions. Patience allows the time for this discovery. When a couple agrees on a specific path, it is time for action and not continual revising, rethinking or adding more things.

Patience creates safety

Being patient with one’s partner has its source in “active trust”. Active trust creates a safe place, that magical and juicy environment where passion is fueled. Obsession and urgency fuel love in the beginning of a romantic relationship. If these aspects are not transformed into calmness and attachment, the romance will fade. Calmness and attachment occur as partners face challenges with patience. With patience they can work through challenges, adjusting their previous beliefs about relationship and reality.

Active patience

Active patience can be likened to persistence. Active patience allows partners to be constantly aware and actively involved in creating their desired level of passion. Active patience is essential to overcoming obstacles and practicing new and bold thoughts and behaviors. Confronting disbelief is one of the greatest challenges to partners. Active patience allows new ideas and thoughts to ‘ripen’.

It is not unusual for a thought casually shared with your partner to reappear days or weeks later. Your partner may have adopted this thought as if it was originally their thought. Active patience may be required to achieve the desired outcome rather than the ownership of the idea. Demanding or expecting compliance or change can destroy the sense of safety which allows the rich and juicy environment that nurtures deepening passion and intimacy. When a partner senses impatience, they will be less likely to put forth effort to try something new. Or they may take the quickest path to avoid or minimize their own discomfort. Active patience involves an ongoing commitment to the goal of sustained passion.

Keeping the fire of passion and love alive

Keeping the fire of passion and love alive requires innovation. Innovation keeps the relationship vibrant and energized. This energy brings fulfillment and accomplishment for each partner and for the partnership. Curiosity, along with acceptance of input, honest feedback given and received, and readiness to adapt to change are essential for sustained passion in a love relationship.

*Helen Fisher – Rutgers University and Arthur Aron – State Univerisity of New York-Stoneybrook

Action Steps

Make an honest evaluation of the 5 key traits for sustained passion

Questioning
Trust and Trusting
Risk taking
Openness
Patience

What action steps can you take to achieve positive movement in each of these traits?
Describe your relationship as you grow and gain competence with each trait.

Keeping the fire of Passion and Love alive – Risk and Trust

2009-01-04T23:12:00.007-06:00

by Russ Hardesty, PhD

Take a breath; hold it and allow your lungs full opportunity to extract life’s essential oxygen. Imagine, becoming so attached to that breath that you refuse to let it go. In a similar way, we often hold on to the passion and experiences of our early romance thinking that it will sustain the relationship for ever – like in ‘happily ever after’.

Sleepwalking through life

Taking your relationship for granted, like holding your breath, can be one of the greatest challenges to keeping passion and love alive. When creativity and questioning diminish, it’s as if there is nothing more to discover about self or partner. Accepting the status quo is like failing to make deposits in the checking account while continuing to make withdrawals. Risks to explore new dimensions of a relationship are often frightening. ‘Status quo’ seekers live life with little risk-taking. They are living unconsciously or sleepwalking through life.

“Build your wings on the way down”

Pulitzer Prize winner, Anne Dillard remarked, “If we listened to our intellect, we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go into business, because we’d be too cynical. Well, that’s nonsense. You’ve got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.”

Building your wings on the way down is creating your relationship as you go. Rather than sleepwalking through life, you acknowledge to your partner that you want more in the relationship. You want change. You want a chance for it to be different and great! You jump off the cliff. The danger is losing your attachment to your idea that love is static and always remains the same, a euphoric fairy tale sort of love. The danger is losing your attachment to this person altogether.

When you and your partner jump off the cliff there is risk but there is also new opportunity to realize your capacities for love and attachment. If you are going to have a passionate relationship you need to be prepared to take risks. In the beginning of your former relationship you risked attachment to your partner without knowing the outcome. When you jump off the cliff and are free falling through space, you are saying goodbye to your old ways of attaching to your partner.

Saying goodbye is like letting go and may be accompanied by feelings of grief and loss. One cannot know what life or relationship can be without your old attachments until you let go of them. The goodbyes are a way of acknowledging change in the relationship. In letting go you are saying hello to new ways of relating to one another. Hellos invite new energy and passion into the relationship by acknowledging the undiscovered. On your free fall downwards you can begin to build the wings of a renewed and more satisfying relationship.

Failure is inherent in risk.

Our lives are filled with risk taking opportunities. The place we seem most unwilling to take risk is in that relationship with our life partner. Asking for something different or making a declaration of change often dies in the mortal fear of ending the relationship. Yet failure to take the risk and ask for something to change can quench the fire of passion. Willingness to risk failure requires trust, most importantly trusting oneself. Too often relationships are built on trusting one’s partner in place of trusting self. This pattern is a sure formula for ‘status quo’ and the demise of passion.

Trusting partners hold each other accountable for their potential and their agreements. Only lack of effort or half-hearted attempts should be up for scrutiny. Finger pointing and blame will destroy passion and desire in a relationship quickly. Partners that trust themselves as well as each other do not personalize failed attempts. Their reward is open communication and vital, passionate relationships.

Action Steps:

Goal: Identify things that you have wanted in your relationship but never asked!

(Use good judgment and don’t begin with areas that are known areas of conflict)

Note: if you aren’t currently in a relationship or have a partner not willing to participate – complete your part of the action step to assist your vision and intentions.

Identify 5 pleasing things you have wanted in your relationship that you have never asked for and rank in importance from 1 to 5 (1 most important).
Encourage your partner to do the same.
Exchange the list and put an “x” by those items on the list that you or your partner are not ready to do at this time.
Act on one unchecked item each day, regardless of how you feel about it.

Keeping the fire of Passion and Love alive!

2008-12-29T11:14:00.006-06:00

“The movie that changed the face of entertainment. Toy Story, the first full-length computer animated feature film, is "a wonder to behold."” – People Magazine

‘Toy Story’
Most everyone has enjoyed this great animation at least once in the past 13 years. Toy Story is the result of the innovations of a small team of people bringing together existing elements into a new dynamic for the entertainment industry. Much can be learned from their endeavor that can be applied to maintaining and growing passion in your love relationship.

Play to Win
Growing passion and intimacy thrives in an environment of creativity and playfulness. It doesn’t occur from a lone idea or concept from a ‘love manual’, but from creating the environment for sustainable innovation. The creators of toy story surrounded themselves with toys and mastered the art of play as their imaginations worked towards the final result. This magical and “juicy” environment they worked in fostered shared attitudes, values and beliefs that became meaningful to them as group relating to one another. Each relationship has abundant resources within it to support and sustain growing and expanding passion.

There are five core values that support and sustain dynamic passion; questioning, risk taking, openness, patience and trust. Sustainability is the result of a harmonious balance of these values, as in the creation of Toy Story.

Values and Intimacy
At first look, the values of questioning and risk taking seem counter-intuitive for most popular definitions of love relationships. However, these values bring to the relationship the energy for growing passion. Openness, patience and trust are elements of intimacy which sustain passion. Growing passion is stifled when either of these values is over emphasized. Yet if the partners base their relationship on trust with out questioning, blindness or unawareness to energy draining habits and attitudes insidiously appear. Where one or both partners place great emphasis on patience, little change occurs and boredom and habituation dominates the relationship. Risk-taking isn’t reckless, but is undertaken consensually which requires openness and questioning.

In the example of the creation of Toy Story, the willingness to ask questions and take risks put the team over the top with their new film medium. Because this kind of film had never been done before, they were taking risks with their very idea. Trust is critical when a group fosters a new idea. Trust is also critical when partners begin to question their choices, options and possibilities. Lack of trust can turn questions into to judgments and promote an atmosphere of expectation . When partners are willing trust enough to take risks and ask questions they can create a new and more dynamic relationship.

Question – Energy of Passion
Curiosity underlies the kind of questioning that sustains passion. Natural curiosity seeks to explore and discover that which is unknown. It can take us into the hidden area of the personality – that part is hidden from self and/or the other. ‘Natural’ curiosity accesses that deeper part of our self which is closely related to our ‘inner child’. This is the kind of curiosity that fuels the passion of a child discovering how something works. Our intuition is allowed to imagine and create when our child-like natural questioning emerges. This great capacity for questioning also allows two individuals to explore and find resolution in difficult times. David Culler, a computer science professor at UC Berkeley, described this kind of questioning as: “stubbing my toe on the same spot often enough that I say, ‘What is this?’ Then I look down and find that what I’m tripping on is just the tip of a very big rock below the surface.”

Play, not work
The rich juicy environment for sustained passion is play, not work. Truly innovative people play at what others call work. Though the Toy Story team faced many times of difficulty and seeming failure the energy sustained by their passionate playing at creating this film allowed them to continue through to their amazing success!

If a couple works at keeping passion alive, it will likely wither and die. Working at, or ‘having to’ keep passion alive turns questions into judgments. Asking the “Why” question communicates judgment, lack of trust, promotes defensiveness and triggers guilt and shame. Passion cannot co-exist with such elements of the past. “Why” questions in relationship are neither scientific nor questioning but veiled statements of dissatisfaction, judgment, or anger.

The questions of play are what keep passion alive. Questions of How? When? What? Each of these speaks to discovery and outcomes in the future. Open ended questions that suggest possibilities will stimulate imagination, which is a critical aspect of sustained passion.

The Challenge
A great challenge to sustained passion is habituation or status quo. A maturing relationship can easily fail to question patterns, rituals, and habits that once were new innovations. Couples that discover a sense of having “made it” can add new energy to their relationship by seeking to discover new and unknown possibilities.

Action Steps –
1. Reflect on the most passionate time in your relationship. Write or share your reflections with your partner.
2. What would you like to discover about yourself and your partner? Share these with your partner.
3. Encourage your partner to participate in 1 & 2

Risk and Trust next time!

Russ Hardesty Dec 29, 2008

User-friendly Relationships

2008-12-23T21:04:00.011-06:00

How are you at navigating the programs on your computer or for that matter the internet? Navigating relationships, just as the navigation of the programs on a laptop can seem difficult for some while others seem to ‘point and click’ effortlessly. What is the difference? Understanding the language required for desired responses is critical if one is to have an effortless relationship with the laptop or their chosen partner.

It can’t read your mind
Learning to use your computer with the appropriate inputs from the keyboard and mouse can be extremely frustrating. Often we assign names, personalities and poor character traits to our desktops. We speak to this electronic device as if it were some invention from the depths of hell sent to torment our souls. Our ‘inner child’ may believe we are being punished for our stupidity and ineptness. This inner child wishes the computer could read our wants and desires as did our early caretakers. All of this could be said about our significant relationships. Some navigate relationships as easily as some who “become one” with the laptop; and others have an emotionally charged relationship marked with conflict, frustration and reluctant tolerance.

Most everyone recognizes the power of our early programming. This programming affects our person and our behavior. Family of origin, birth order, historical events, tragic events, gender, and culture all play a powerful part in making us who we are today. Each one of us has had a unique personal programming. One way of describing this programming is related to personality types. Exploring these personality types can bring clarity and understanding and set the stage for learning new and effective ways to relate to our loved one that creates a ‘user friendly’ relationship.

I just disappear…
My wife, Pat and I, are living illustrations of these differences in programming. I find myself fascinated with ‘what makes things work’ and can spend hours in learning how to work with a piece of software, while Pat wants the software to do what she needs done when she wants it done – now! During a conversation between the two of us, an idea or question may arise that I want more information about. I disappear to the library or Google to find the answer rather than continue on in the conversation. This frustrates Pat.

In the process of building our house, I delighted in the structural design and construction with little interest in color, texture, ambience while Pat would wait until a room was completed before deciding on colors and textures to create the warm and comfortable home we experience everyday. These differences are both challenging and complementing.

She’s not my type!
A mother and daughter team developed an effective system to describe and understand the type difference in people. These two women, Myers and Briggs, developed a type indicator instrument, (MBTI) based on Carl Jung’s analytic psychology. True to type, I am fascinated with this kind to ‘systematizing’. While Pat doesn’t spend time reading the Jungian theories, she is a master in applying the knowledge described by the theories. Pat is the “woman that runs with the wolves” described by Jung’s student, Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Jung was the architect while Clarissa, was the interior decorator and articulated the characteristics of powerful women. I am fascinated by music theory and Pat brings the theory into existence with her beautiful voice. I love her voice and I love to hear her singing. She brings beauty to a structure that I can describe but struggle to implement.

The SJ and NT
David Keirsey has further refined the personality types of MyersBriggs into four temperament types. Pat seems to be predominately a type described by Keirsey as SJ (Sensory and Judgement), or Gold in other type descriptions. Martha Stewart shares this type with Pat. I fall solidly into the NT (Intuitive Thinker) type or Blue, sharing this architect typology with James Madison and Thomas Jefferson. This combination presents challenges and clear strengths in our relationship. As the NT, I am an endless source of frustration for my lovely SJ bride. My thoughts and actions leap to and fro while Pat’s SJ seeks to maintain routine and order. Pat values traditional ways of doing things. She will seek to quietly read the assembly instructions as I thrash about seeking to understand the “structure” of the system.

Knowing the language helps!
User friendly relationships are empowered with knowledge of the operating system of the other. A quote from Mother Teresa, Pat’s sister SJ, “"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier”, helps me better understand Pat’s operating system. The language recognized by her system is words and phrases that answer her “how” questions. For example, “How do the details fit together?” Or “How can I plan ahead?” and my most dreaded – “How can you guarantee that?” To keep our relationship ‘user friendly’, I must be conscious that Pat’s how questions may not be compatible with my operating system, but are essential for her sense of balance and harmony. I am in control of my communication; it’s not Pat’s task or the laptop’s job to make sense out of my intentions. My inputs must be recognizable and meaningful to have a ‘user friendly’ relationship.

Action Steps!

1. Get to know your type – if you need help, email me and I’ll be glad to help – no cost! russ@russhardesty.com
2. Seek to know your partner’s type – please don’t get into being a shrink and psychologizing – again I can give some assistance
3. Mindfully listen to your partner’s comments and language – this is a great way to learn their language.
4. Seek an opportunity to read and discuss this blog with your partner, calmly!
• Explore ways with your partner to improve your communication

Please comment on ways that you have applied this awareness to your relationship. It will be a gift for others. Russ

Check out Russ's materials at Your Ultimate Relationship

The Shadow Land

2008-12-19T10:54:00.006-06:00

Journey into the Shadow Land

Recently I had the opportunity to visit with both sisters at the same time and was amazed at the familiar dynamics. My younger sister began to tease and banter as if we were in the 1950’s. The youngest, took the place of the observer and I struggled not to do my ‘one up’ response. Our combined 90 plus years in the ‘helping professions’ didn’t change this old programming from our family of origin.

“Don’t go often and don’t stay long”

The holiday season is a traditional time for connecting with family. I clearly remember for years as I drove from Missouri to the ‘farm’ in Oklahoma and my feelings and emotions began to change – preparing for the role in my family of origin. A part of me seemed to ‘dummy down’ so that I would fit into the traditional role of my childhood. My behaviors began to mirror those of the past. The conversations topics were the same. I was ready to return as soon as the greetings were exchanged. The return trip began in silence and gradually turned into a ‘therapy session’ with Pat, which allowed some important insight and understanding. Most of my early adult life I had adopted the philosophy – “Don’t go often and don’t stay long”.

A Wonderful Opportunity!

The holiday season is a wonderful opportunity to gain understanding of those unconscious behaviors and attitudes that are challenges in your present relationship. An important phase of creating the relationship of your dream is to differentiate and define your own style of relationship. It can take several years to do this while defining and developing a relationship ‘identity’. Time spent with families of origin will often reveal the degree to which your relationship has achieved it identity. These times are opportunities to evaluate and create greater clarity of the boundaries defining the relationship with your partner.

Observation Opportunity

During this holiday season observe the traditions and roles of where you came from! What are the traditions of gifts, celebration, decorations, roles of parents, and sibling’s relationship? These can be marvelous windows into the unconscious aspects of your relationship! How many mirror patterns in your present relationship? This allows greater awareness of that which has been hidden enter the workshop of consciousness.

Creating Your Tradition!

Intimacy is deepened with tradition. Anticipation enhances passion! Your tradition can surely include the family of origin while creating a new one – an expression of your true self, your partner and the young people in your life. Creating your unique tradition gives the young people in your life permission to be free creating theirs! Consult one another as you design the patterns of your celebration. Let your celebration be just that! Celebration is another form of gratitude for that which you have, not participating in a social obligation.

Action Steps

1. Design your holiday tradition

As a couple, family or individual

Each one write 30 things that bring joy during the holiday season, then each picks their top 10. This is beginning of a great discussion – especially if the focus is on wants rather than blame or fault. Select activities and experiences that allow for a win-win outcome for everyone. It may take more than one conversation to achieve the plan that works, but magic begins to happen when the focus is on what and comes from the heart.

2. Share your Holiday Tradition – Post in the comment section – Great Idea Source for those wanting to Change or Start their own!

Happy Holidays!

Check out Russ's materials at Your Ultimate Relationship

Knowledge is power! How do you use it?

2008-12-16T13:48:00.000-06:00

“Need to know basis”

In response to a recent blog “for men”, a woman reader shared that her role with her husband was different than described in the blog. It seems the husband was slow when making a plan, didn’t share the plan clearly, and was slow to take action. She indicated that ‘being left in the dark’ and operating on a ‘need-to-know’ basis were road blocks to peace and closeness in the relationship.

Information and knowledge is power and subject to being misused to increase personal power or unwelcome feedback or criticism. Certainly, there are times when the need-to-know is appropriate as in: certain military situations; discretionary access control such as a computer or financial system; social security numbers; or credit card numbers. However, in committed relationships, secrecy and the use of need-to-know as power impacts the well being of the partners in a relationship and is counter to an open and loving connection. Trust is the casualty of such control.

“Clear and open”

A fulfilling relationship requires clear and open communication. Operating on the ‘need-to-know basis’ amplifies power struggles and inequality in the relationship. The one who decides what the partner needs to know sends the message unconsciously that they aren’t capable decision makers. This abuse of power squelches initiative and imagination; both vital elements of passion.

The readers husband may not have intended such messages to be sent, and would likely be surprised to know their partner felt frustrated. Both partners likely came from homes in which one or both parents operated on the ‘need to know’ premise. Patterns from our past operate unconsciously in everyday interactions. When such a pattern exists in the family of origin, openness and trust are often compromised and prevents emotional closeness and safety. The reader experienced a “wait and see feeling” which made it difficult to have the security that comes from knowing “the plan”.

What we Live With….

“What we live with we learn; and what we learn we practice and what we practice we become” is a phrase which has been helpful for many wanting to change a pattern or behavior. Unconscious behaviors are a large part of our lives and operate without thought. In the blog, “Its Just Cobwebs”, I described a personal experience when an unconscious pattern came into my awareness. To change the pattern that was a part of my earlier life experience by “learning” or realizing the impact of the pattern in my present relationship. The work of “practicing” the new behavior of “staying” connected even if I am uncomfortable is hard but necessary to change old and destructive behaviors. Practice is – repetition of the new behavior. One practices the new behavior until it becomes their first response. Interestingly, the practiced behavior becomes a part of your being and operates at the “unconscious” level. Changing such patterns as described by the reader’s comment requires personal honesty and desire to grow! Both are critical to fulfilling relationships.

Action Steps:

Practice sharing your plan with your partner – discuss and ask for input and use the first two steps described in “for men”
If your partner shares a plan; listen responsively – reaction usually is taken as a judgment and creates defensiveness and distance

A challenge for men!

2008-12-10T09:59:00.000-06:00

“What is your plan? Exactly!”

“What is your plan?” she asks. “It will work out somehow” he says. And the internal unrest in the relationship grows until lava like either flows out in the most unexpected places or erupts explosively in the most inconvenient time.

The unconscious natures of women and men play their vital roles for the survival of relationships, family, and community. Men by nature are more aggressive, impatient, short-sighted, given to winning, reproducing, overcoming, and hungry. Women think longer term, appreciate knowing the ‘plan’, seek to know ‘cause and effect’ as a source of empowerment that comes from being prepared. However these differences often weaken and lead to an unfulfilled relationship.

Men will come on like ‘gang busters’ with their ideas, thoughts and wants. The powerful woman has a plan, and most of these ideas don’t fit in. Her response isn’t, “Wonderful Plan, I’ll just forget mine”, but rather caution and discomfort. The accumulation of these emotional responses compound emotional disconnection and erode intimacy and passion.

Be your Best, “Slow Down”!

Lyrics from “Slow Hand” by the Pointer Sister gives a great “point” for understanding a powerful tool for communicating with your partner.

”I want a man with a slow hand
I want a lover with an easy touch
I want somebody who will spend some time
Not come and go in a heated rush
I want somebody who will understand
When it comes to love, I want a slow hand”

A quality and fulfilling relationship happens over a period of time. The time factor is one of the greatest challenges for people in our culture, especially men. There is a great deal of pressure from the economy to be as productive in as short a time as possible. This “hurry up” model doesn’t apply to love relationships.

Sequential Steps

Developing intimacy and closeness with your partner has to occur in sequential steps or stages. The initial step it requires is an honest acknowledgment of your partner. It is human nature to assume acknowledgment from our life mate. However this assumption begins to gnaw at the trust connection. Here are three fundamental and sequential step to creating a passionate and intimate connection with your partner:

Acknowledgment of our partner’s presence, desires and wants are as essential five years into the relationship as was the original courtship and bonding.
Acknowledgment initially is a visual awareness, but eye contact is equally critical. Often partners rarely hold and maintain eye contact with each other after their courtship. Sharing eye contact for an extended period allows connection in each others emotional center.
This type of connection significantly increases the effectiveness of the third kind of connection that occurs, communication!

When a man is connected with his partner at this level, his words enter the emotional power center and connect with the plans of a strong woman.

“Its Just Cobwebs” –

2008-12-05T11:39:00.000-06:00

Audio

Have you ever been blind sided your partner’s comment or action? Did a ‘mole hill’ suddenly become a huge ‘mountain’ of relationship turmoil? Did a well intentioned comment or action turn into a hurtful or damaging event? Anyone in a relationship experiences these times. Let me share one ……

Just another day!

It seemed just like most days. I awakened around 5:00 a.m. and got out of bed as quietly as possible so as not awaken Pat’s sleep and went to the office upstairs. I logged some of the thoughts I had awakened with and checked and responded to emails. I spent the next hour or so reading and jotting down some connected thoughts.

A Blast from the Past..

Around 7:00, hearing Pat stirring in the kitchen, I greeted her as I started the coffee. While she was preparing breakfast, I took the scraps from the evening before to the chickens. I gave the hens their daily quota of feed, checked their water supply, and gathered the dozen or so eggs from the previous afternoon and returned to the kitchen. As I sat the bowl with eggs on the end of the counter, I heard, “Where have you been!” Immediately my ‘male’ brain thought – “how could Pat not know since I just sat down the bowl with the eggs?” Being somewhat literal in my actions, “I have been taking care of the chickens.” “You have cobwebs on you!” she said. Sure enough my left arm and shoulder was covered in the dusty cobwebs that only grow in a chicken house. I stepped outside, brushed them off and returned to the office without any other comment.

Pat called to me when she had breakfast ready. There was little conversation during the meal. As Pat left the table, she remarked, “You must like the computer more than me!” I did my usual “Huh” look and assured her that I liked her a lot more than the computer!

Reflection

Pat’s remark stuck in my brain. Soon after she left to work at the Garden Center, I realized that what had happened between us was a ‘blast from the past’. My internal response to Pat’s comment about the cobwebs triggered a response that had been with me since early childhood. Although Pat had no intention of becoming a parent that morning, her comment was an echo from the past.

I had grown up with a lot of questions, remarks or judgments from both parents couched in “why are you doing that?” My childhood response was to give a minimal response and exit. I would go outside if it was daylight or to a remote place in the house if it was nighttime. My mind would attempt to reconcile the intense emotional response my parents had to my seemingly harmless ‘behavior’. I would have thought, “Its just cobwebs – what’s the big deal?”

Opportunity for Change

On that morning in August, my unconscious self had been in charge of my part of the relationship. The patterned behavior has been with me for at least 60 years! This awareness now presents me with a choice. It becomes a choice of accountability. I must own my part of our unconscious relationship. Next time, I can stay instead of leaving. I can think, “Thanks! this an opportunity to become more conscious!”

Comment:

Here’s a comment from my studies in family and marriage counseling; “90% of the repetitive issues in a relationship are connected to the family of origin, while only 10% is relevant to the present”. Russ

Action Step:

Reflect on the next conflict, disagreement, disappointment that occurs in your relationship. Are there fragments or shards of the past finding a presence in the situation? What are the lessons? What are the changes that will improve your relationship?

Please share some of your insights and awareness’s

Your Shadow Knows!

2008-12-03T18:50:00.000-06:00

Audio

Once in a lifetime, everyone should fall in love. In that moment we know we have the perfect partner for life. Little do we know that the dream of our life may become our nightmare?

Dream or Damion?
What began as the perfect partner can become the nightmare or damion of the magical moment when you entered the mystical place filled with delicious intensity, called ‘falling in love’. Life seemed filled with bright days, the lyrics of songs took on special meaning, and you needed less sleep. The food you and your loved one shared together tasted better than any ever.

Crimes and Misdemeanors
As you were transported to this magical place, little did you know the magic of the moment was the paradox described in Woody Allen’s film, Crimes and Misdemeanors. Professor Louis Levy concludes: “What we are aiming for when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that when we fall in love we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction, the attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.”

The Shadow Land
Unconsciously, you discovered that for which you have desired; long before you had the language to describe this Nirvana. You encountered the one that can right all wrongs and disappointments. Voids are filled by the one whose presence is ointment for healing old wounds and hurts. This person anticipates your needs, completes your sentences and knows how special you are. Your boundaries have collapsed into a relationship that creates the mystical union described as “and the two shall become one.” In the words of Professor Levy, you have entered the place of shadows – the unconscious relationship.

Share you comments or ask your question about the unconscious relationship.

p.s. This blog is a beginning of several entries about the unconscious relationship. Stay tuned, the next one is really personal!!!

Forward to a Friend

two years, six months and 25 days

2008-11-30T20:14:00.000-06:00

Has the fire gone out? Audio
According to a poll (www.onepoll.com) of 5000 couples reported in the Daily Mail Reporter the “the fire” goes out of a relationship in two years, six months and 25 days.

Reported symptoms:
• Husbands give up trying to be tidy and wives no longer make an effort to look nice for their spouse
• Couples are far less likely to share the TV remote – 75% of men and women said they wouldn’t relinquish the remote (even if asked nicely)
• 83% of couples surveyed indicated it was a problem to continue celebrating their wedding anniversary by the third year
• More than half of the couples interviewed felt undervalued by their partner
• 70% of men left socks, pants and dirty washing lying around the house (79% no longer bothered putting the lavatory seat down)
• 67% of women said they no longer made the effort to dress up and look nice for their spouse – 54% no longer bothered with make-up – 61% preferred tracksuit bottoms or pj’s while at home
• 83% married couples held hands while out during the first few months of marriage but only 38% after 10 years
• During the first year of marriage partners would cuddle more than 8 times a day – down to 5 or less times after 10 years of marriage
• 60% said they hadn’t been surprised with a romantic night out since marriage
Do any of these statistics hit close to home for you?

In the Threshold Model of Relationship I describe the phase called “Habituation”. Habituation explains the apparent decline of romance and passion that many couples experience. When a relationship is heavily weighted with “habituation”, there is little passion and intimacy stalls out. The law of nature doesn’t allow static to remain static – either decline or growth is the order. The same kind of energy that allowed the relationship in the beginning is essential for sustained growth and health.

Keeping Fire in the Relationship
People are attracted to one another by a form of magic which many call romance. Romance can be defined in many ways. To be romantic, one must be attentive to their partner. “Noticing” or paying attention is really important. Understanding the nature of early bonding between parent and child is really helpful when wanting to become more romantic. In the relationship of parent and child, the parents are attentive to the needs and wants of the child without asking the child what they want or need. In the same way, noticing or paying attention allows each partner to ‘know’ without being told what the other wants or needs.

Surprise and being Surprised
Surprise is a key ingredient in romance, but not the kind of surprise that disregards the partner’s wants and needs. Buying your wife a weed trimmer when she doesn’t enjoy mowing the yard IS NOT the kind of surprise I’m talking about. The surprises that allow your partner to know that you understand their dreams and wishes are the romantic ones.

A key part of romance is being surprised! Many couples have fallen into a pattern where one partner no longer feels creative enough to do the surprising and the other needs to know everything before it happens! Essentially the space between them has become very controlled (habituated) and unfriendly for surprises. The unimaginative partner’s creativity is stifled while the fearful partner needing to know everything in advance leaves no possibility for being surprised. These patterns will need to be thoughtfully changed for the process of romantic surprise to take place.

Practical Tips
• Send a unique gift at work – very simple, homemade, doesn’t need to be perfect
• Find out from partner’s family something they have always wanted? Surprise your partner!
• Go on Dates – Dating is not just for new relationships.

Share your story of how you keep the fire burning! Suggestions are welcome and might just help someone keep their fire burning!

p.s. - Your suggestions will be compiled into a blog post for others to view.

Fullfilled or Just Happy?

2008-11-28T15:01:00.000-06:00

“I just want to be happy!”

In the thirty plus years as a professional counselor working with couples, the most common response to the question, “What do you want?” is “I just want to be happy!” Digging deeper into the desire for happiness, it seems that happiness is a way of thinking about desired life outcomes as it “should be”. Unhappiness in the relationship was connected to unfilled ‘isms’ or beliefs like “should”, “must”, or “supposed to be”.

Beyond Survival

Often human beings are more concerned about survival than prospering. We find ourselves identifying what we need minimally to “be happy”. This kind of happiness could be simply described as experiencing life the way it “should be”. We look at the world around us and the people in it, the people who seem to be happy. And we identify what it will take for us to experience that happiness. Happiness looks a certain way and has its price tags. The “happiness” in survival mode is a comparative happiness. The dialogue that is connected may sound like this, “Well at least I don’t have to make their car payment!” Happiness in this way of thinking is connected with certain desired outcomes and can seem unattainable.

The cycle of beginnings and endings rob us…

The survival way of thinking certainly applies to our relationships. We notice the relationships of others and may idolize what seems to make people happy. Our sights are usually set unrealistically in this mindset. Women want to find the perfect man, the knight in shining armor who is funny and tender and understanding. Men want to find the woman who is youthful and beautiful, the mysterious damsel waiting to be discovered. When this does not seem to come easily, we quickly revert to the survivor mode, which leaves us with taking whatever comes our way or settling for what seems attainable. In short order we find this does not make us “happy” but rather frustrated and dejected, and in a cycle of beginnings and endings that rob us emotionally.

A Rich and Vibrant Relationship = Fulfillment!

The idea of fulfillment is in stark contrast to the idea of happiness in the survival mode. Fulfillment is an acceptance of what is. Fulfillment is not possible if one is always concerned about what is missing or “wrong”. Fulfillment looks to the potential and possibility of a relationship. This kind of happiness fosters growth and celebrates the unique characteristics that can make for a rich and vibrant relationship. Fulfillment is the mindset of those who wish to prosper in relationships. The beginning of prosperity in a relationship comes from acceptance of what is.

What Would You Choose?

If you focus on what “is not” or missing, then quickly you become unhappy and then only make the happiness of survival your goal. To be aware of what is working, what is valuable in yourself and your partner points you to the fulfilling engagement of two individuals committed to prospering in all life areas. The potential of this latter kind of happiness is unbounded. What kind of relationship would you choose to create?

Action Step!

What do think are the top 5 features of a Fulfilled Relationship!

Happy Thanksgiving 2008

2008-11-27T08:12:00.000-06:00

This Thanksgiving Holiday is a time for thankfulness which I like to describe as “being full of thanks”. Gratitude or appreciation is the key element in a relationship filled with passion and intimacy. David Meyers, author of “The Pursuit of Happiness”, stated, “Satisfaction isn’t so much getting what you want as wanting what you have.” Take just a few minutes during this holiday to share with the love(s) of your life those specific things that they bring to you that makes your life full. Happy Thanksgiving!!! Russ

A “Here and Now” Relationship!

2008-11-21T11:39:00.000-06:00

One reader asked, “Is the ‘here and now’ creation between two individuals …. the same as a couple being equally yoked?” (“Living Lessons” November 2008”)

The foundation or structure
I believe that both of the concepts are vital to the creation of the ultimate relationship. However they are different. The concept of “equally yoked” speaks to the structure of a relationship while “here and now” describes the process that occurs within a relationship. The structure of the relationship promotes certain processes to occur, which in turn allows outcomes to be gained for both partners. Being equally yoked within the Judeo-Christian teaching about marriage refers to having shared spiritual beliefs. I would like to expand “equally yoked” to mean “shared core values” which I believe are essential to the structure of a fulfilling partnership.

Be Authentic
Core values remain the constant while preferences, tastes, interests and even personalities may change over a period of time. Author, Melissa Darnay said, “you can change a person’s socks, you can change their hair cut, but you can’t change their core values… or yours”. Shared core values allow a couple to make the various adjustments required by life in such a way that their relationship remains vital and exciting. These core values also allow each partner to be their authentic selves. Often having shared spiritual belief is interpreted by most as ‘shared or similar beliefs about something, ideas, or ‘God’, whereas shared core values are personal commitments which each partner actively incorporates into their actions, words and thoughts. One of my core values is personal growth. This core value fosters ongoing improvement and learning. This is applicable in all areas of my life, which includes my relationships. Without the value of personal growth, my relationship will become flat, stale and mediocre. Having this core value allows for the ‘here and now’ aspect of relationship. This is the place for intimacy and passion.

Passion
Remember the passion of new love? In this special experience each partner is in a place of growth and discovery (a core value) which fires and fuels great passion (here and now) and growing intimacy (outcome or results).

It takes more than common beliefs
It is extremely important that each partner be true to their core values. When one fails to do so, they become ‘unequally yoked’. Passion and intimacy fade and affection erodes into complacency and mediocrity. The resulting process of being in ‘here and now’ fades and is replaced by another, ‘then and there’. This place focuses on what was and what might be. ‘Here and now’ is being conscious and intentional while ‘then and there’ becomes the default where we live our unconscious relationship. ‘Then and there’ is controlled by guilt, shame, dread, anxiety and fear. Passion and intimacy fail to prosper in this environment. Couples may have shared beliefs about ‘things’ but not have an active commitment to those ‘things’. They would be considered to be ‘equally yoked’, but yet unfulfilled. They have a commitment based on beliefs about something, not beliefs in something – an expression of empty love.

Consummate love is comprised of commitment, passion and growing intimacy!

Action Steps –
• What are your core values – those values which guide your actions, thoughts and words?
• How do you express each of these values in your life? Work? Relationship?

Relationships are Living Legacies! Is Yours?

2008-11-14T14:33:00.000-06:00

Living Lessons

Recently, I asked two gentlemen if they could identify a couple whose relationship represented what they believed to be a quality relationship. Both seemed to be at a loss. Later that same day I asked another acquaintance the same question, and she immediately responded with a couple’s name. These responses, a very limited sample, support the view that fewer than 5% of our population are in what would be called a quality relationship.

Additional questions revealed that the identified couple was an inspiration to others, providing a living model of a quality relationship. The power of a living lesson is so valuable! It was very interesting to experience the smile and increased animation as this woman described the couple.

A Here and Now Creation

Creating a quality relationship brings not only fulfillment to one’s life; it brings hope and encouragement to those who come in contact with such a beautiful creation. A quality relationship isn’t static, but a ‘here and now’ creation between two individuals that are intentionally experiencing the essence of one another moment by moment.

The quality relationship you create brings great hope not only to you and your partner, but teaches others how they can have such a generative relationship. Living the lesson is so powerful. Our words are so often presented as advice, but rarely help individuals move towards a more fulfilled life. Thousands of advice givers share their thoughts and ideas about relationships which pales in the light of a living lesson of a ‘here and now’ relationship.

The Legacy of a Quality Relationship

Living a quality relationship is one of the greatest legacies that you leave for those you love. This is a true gift that gives a model of how to live such a relationship to those that are in your sphere of influence. This gift will empower others to teach and share your life lessons. The gifts of action and deeds outlive our words and material gifts

Call to Action:

Share a story or description of a quality relationship that has made a positive impact in your life.

Is Your Relationship Mediocre?

2008-11-14T14:28:00.000-06:00

Mediocre Relationships just Happen?
Often people give more attention and care to the purchase of their homes and autos than their life relationship. Many enter a lifelong relationship believing that the intensity and passion that sparked the beginning of relationship is everlasting and will overcome all challenges. Little thought is given to the cost and ongoing input required to maintain the relationship.
Life happens even to those that know the thrill and rush of new love! Events such as the birth of a child, change in finances, career moves, and relocation can factor in to affect the quality of a relationship. As life happens, the relationship can take on a flatness or mediocrity that is often accepted as normal. Typically, it is believed that love that has lost its passion and can’t be recovered.

Fixing a Flat… Relationship!
When a relationship seems to have become flat, a lot of energy may be given to recover the passion or‘re-ignite’ the fire. The recovery attempts are usually focused on the relationship and ways to fix the relationship. The problem is seen as an external problem to be repaired or resolved. Partners may place blame for the failing relationship on situations, others, themselves or their partner. Blaming contributes nothing to the intended goal. It is a sign of withdrawal of partners from one another. When their efforts fail, the energy that was once expressed as passion and excitement in the relationship is re-directed into work, child-rearing, hobbies, etc. Success of the relationship becomes evaluated in the performance of children, acquisition of material things such as home and possession or achieving prestige. Rather than continuing the efforts to repair or restore the relationship, the couple begins to accept mediocrity as the inevitable.

Passion Fruit!
Quality relationships are created! The passionate and juicy relationship that brought two people together seemed to just happen – it was effortless! The effortlessness of the early stage of the relationship didn’t seem like work, where as recovering the mediocre one seems impossible. They perceive the required effort as overwhelming! Einstein suggested once, that the way one sees a problem is the problem. The problems don’t lie with another person, circumstances or situations. The way the relationship is perceived – as a separate entity - becomes the challenge to improvement. A relationship is the space between two individuals. Space by definition isn’t an entity or thing. The relationship or space that exists between two separate individuals is filled with the energy both partners bring to it.

Your Most Important Investment
Your primary love relationship is the most important investment you will ever make. True wealth is found in valuing and nurturing your human potential and is expressed by your capacity to relate to and nurture those that are closest to you! Valuing and nurturing a quality relationship begins with you. It begins with a commitment to personal growth and understanding that a relationship or the space existing between two people is a reflection of the quality of energy that each brings to that space. What kind of energy do you bring to the space between you and your partner? Friends? Children? The effort you put into creating a quality relationship is an investment that will pay dividends throughout your lifetime and the lives of those you encounter.

Call to action
1. Describe what you believe are the typical beliefs that people have when the “fire” seems to have gone out of a relationship?
2. Share a story of a couple that has recovered passion in their relationship.

Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams

2008-11-04T20:49:00.000-06:00

Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams
The intent of this blog is to create a teaching/learning community for those of you who want to expand your awareness and make a positive difference in your primary love relationship. Your primary love relationship is a mirror or hologram of how you interface with the rest of the world. Quality relationships allow the fullest expression of your positive energy and creativity. When we are successful in relationships we can expect to experience success in all areas of our lives. This success is experienced as appreciation, joy and abundance, the relationship of your Dreams!

Mediocre Relationships just happen. Quality Relationships are created.
Your primary love relationship is the most important investment you will ever make. Many lives are spent attempting to fix that which is broken on the inside through the pursuit of wealth, power and prestige. True wealth is found in valuing and nurturing your human potential and is expressed by your capacity to relate to and nurture those that are closest to you! Few people on their death bed ever said, “I wish I had worked more”, or “I wish I had earned more”. Most talk of those that they have loved and desire their presence in their parting moments. The effort you put into creating a quality relationship is an investment that will pay dividends throughout your lifetime.

What is a Quality Relationship?
It has been estimated that fewer than 5% of couples in western civilization enjoy a quality relationship. Even though they can appear very different from couple to couple, quality relationships have common elements. A quality relationship allows two individuals to grow and express their full potential as human beings. A quality relationship is a statement of the character of each of the partners. A quality relationship has partners that share core values. A quality relationship has a clear purpose or mission.

Your Help is Needed!
If fewer than 5% of our population report living in a quality relationship, then we are in a relationship crisis as well as an economic crisis! This Blog isn’t just for those that believe their relationship is a mess, but for those that have that exceptional relationship to share their wisdom and experience. There are thousands giving and writing advice about relationship – getting past pain, having better sex, how to get a first date and the list goes on. Your questions, thoughts and opinions are vital to the purpose of this Blog – Creating a Quality Relationship.

Post your idea or thoughts that define a Quality Relationship!

Quality Relationships are Fundamental to Economic Prosperity!
We are currently in the midst of the most expensive political campaign our country has ever witnessed. Political candidates promising change have spent millions upon millions of dollars to convince you to pull the lever for them. True change does not come from the spending of dollars, but from sincere efforts of individuals who invest themselves for the greater good. In the same way, quality relationships are created through the intentional efforts of men and women who invest the best of themselves in their primary relationship. How important is it that more than 5% of couples have the access and information to create quality relationships? It is extremely important. The cost of mediocre or failed relationships is counted in many ways. One cost is the number of children and youth that are doing life without the opportunity to know personal responsibility. These costs are multiplied many times over in the exorbitant costs of habilitation and rehabilitation of our youth. The cost of our social welfare and correctional institutions can be directly related to lack of quality primary relationships in our culture.

Quality relationships allow the nurturance and development to full potential of all family members. Quality relationships contribute to the greater good of the larger community. Quality relationships are fundamental to our prosperity!

Call to Action!
1. Set a goal of creating quality relationships in each of your life areas, beginning with those closest to you! Start where you are instead of waiting to find the ‘perfect partner’ or ‘situation’.
2. Become a promoter of quality relationship every where you go! Teach and promote quality relationships. Speak up! Let others know how important quality relationships are!
3. Do what you do best – share your wisdom; share your resources; share your gifts.
4. Post your definition of a Quality Relationship!

Russ Hardesty Nov 4, 2008